26.2.11

You Snooze You Lose and other things

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(Via .)

You Snooze You Lose… GRRR

Title pretty much says it all. *mutter mutter mutter grump mutter*
I have been waiting on the edge of my seat to have the uber important big pre-class phone meeting with one of the poor souls who has to put up er um train me with my dog for like? Ever?

So what happens? Friday, yesterday, Benji and I snuggle up and fall asleep watching Dora on NetFlix and my phone goes missing among the bedding. Jessica one of the trainers calls me and I wake up and fumble around and around for my phone only to grab hold of it just as she was being sent to VM.

I rang her back, twice, and in fact have her extenuation memorized LOL. but she never got back to me yesterday. I am fully sure that she will reach me Monday as I told her afternoons were best as Benji normally is napping. Let’s just make a note to myself to insure that, until I speak with her, I do not. Also must put iPhone on charger stand so it won’t die on me when speaking with her. What in the bloody hell is this sawing wining sound? It’s about to make me lose my sh*t. GRRR it’s been going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on at the edge of notice just at that point it is irritating for IDK how long. Maybe mom is shreding papers or something? IDK IDK IDK. Anyway.

On the good side of things, I am sitting down and going over everything in my head and taking notes so when I have my phone call I’ll not sound as much like a blithering idget as I normally do.

Went food shopping today. Brought home mostly sweets… But it is month’s end and that’s okay. I got a small jug that fits in the door of my mini fridge so I can keep my lemon aide in my room. Save for anything that doesn’t require a freezer, I keep most if not all my food in my room. I’m not hoarding or anything, but I do have to keep my food apart from everyone due to foodstamp rules plus I know where it all is. Too bad they don’t have a chest freezer the size of say a small dog crate… Anyway.

After that mom took kids and I to PetCoSmart one of the pet something stores, I think this was “co”.
She had to get food and toys and treats for her lapdog. I priced items for leading labia lad or lass. OMG Ya’ll. The storage thing I want to get for doggie’s food is awesome and even though it is nearly 50 bucks it is a uber good choice. The one thing that just floored me? The cost of a bag of the brand dog food GDB uses whichh I think is Natural Balance? Is? Hella expensive! Well for like 30 lbs it’sI forget like 28 or something but for the huge bags it’s like 60 and that’s a lot of money… If this is the case I will have to see if there is a more fixed income friendly alternative or if my vet or an online shop has it on discount because I want my pup to eat well but I don’t remember food being this much…

Then again it has been an age sense the last time I’ve bought dog food and longer than that sense I had to worry about working it into the budget. I seem to remember that science diet and aims were that much and when I had to budget for that I had a heck of a lot less income and if I get in at the fancy go by your income to figure your rent apartments it should all work out.

Too bad there isn’t something to help with food if you ever find yourself in a bind. I don’t plan on this but it would be sort of neat if there were a food pantry bank sort of thing like there is for people only this would be for dogs and cats. I think pets having a dog or cat is very helpful to everybody and just because you might fall on hard times shouldn’t mean you shouldn’t have a pet friend. So a food bank for pets would be sort of neat. IDK. Oh might get Skye and Benji their own fishes when I get back. We saw some at the petstore. What I want to get at some point is maybe a kitty or at least some pet mice/rats/hampsters. I will maybe do this after I get a job or we could just volunteer to be a puppy raising family for whatever local service dog org. is around. It is naptime...

20.2.11

This Week's List

Hi all,

A very quick note about the list of dogs in the previous and this and most likely, one or two preclass posts. I am focused on all the labs. Ther are Goldens and Lab x Goldens but I skipped over them on my list.

Anyone who's known me know how much of a Golden lover I am. I'd love to have another golden but with two toddlers toddeling around and my being a single mom? I'm not saying it "CAN'T" be doneI just, given everything that has happened, don't "WANT" to deal with two active kids, life and all that lovely golden hair. For now... Next time? Who knows? Then again I might just be at the point I am now. I just want a dog, the "wrapper" is more or less not really "THAT" much of a big thing.

Also looking over the previous list. It seems a dog I am very much rooting for was left off.

She is a labbie lady called Nirvana. On the posting as of the 10th she was on phase 6 I think...

This week she has moved on to 7 so maybe? Just maybe? It wuld be lovely to get this dog simply because I like the name. Okay... I'm showing my age, but... Nirvana, the grunge bad from the early 90s? Remember? Plad hoodies, which I'm still partial too, jeens, etc? mumbeled lyrics? And oh that horrid mess in April of 04... When the lead singer of Nirvana killed himself. That was sad... Well that's not the onlhy reason I like th name, it is just a cool name and I bet the dog is cccool that goes with it. Well duh! GDB any dog I've met from GDB was nothing but cool... It is like buying a Apple computer and being shocked that it doen't crash. LOL Not fair right? Anyway, ever sense seeing this dog on the phase reports I took a shine to her.

There is another dog, a sweet labby boy called James who was in the GDB blog. He was graduated earlier, but over the hollidays his handler died, in like Mexico or something? And there was a huge effort on the part of several folks t o bring James, that's teh dog's name, James, home. I saw his story and fell in love with him. My mom said watch me get matched with him.

That would be fine, I have never had anything like any problem or issue with wokring with a slightly older dog, say one who had a few litters for GDB like two friends' of mine dogs have been, or a dog who either was issued in class and then was switched or went hme with someone and was either returned because the person figured out a guide wasn't fitting in their live or became too sick or died and couldn't manage and use the guide anymore.

In both of my previous classes people have received older dogs. I just think you might miss some of the cute "puppy" parts of having a freshly turned out dog, but with the cuteness, especially with Mr. Fleming the Flemboyant who was. A hand full at first but who, in my heart grew to be epic, some of the things that drove me straight up the wall with him at first turned into the things I loved most about him.

If I had another chance to work with a dog just like him, would I? Yes. But not right at this point in my life. I've already got my two two legged children to run after. And yes. Fleming had the very best in his puppy raisers' home and the bery best training at GDB Borring campus, he still took some time to get used to and to "mesh" with, when he was a tad older, maybe a year or so, he was working out to be a fine dog.

IDK if, having received him at the age we finally clicked would of well of corse it would of been different, but would I and Fleming of bonded like we did after all that hard stuff at the start? You know IDK I truly don't, but I honestly wouldn't mind a dog who has been out and back. I think perhaps thee very worst things that could happen. On the graduation end, if the dog was returned by te person because he or she didn't like the guide dog lifestyle upon returning, the puppy's raisers might be kind of reserved? or doubtful about the new partenership? Then again maybe not?

I'm not a puppy raiser so I couldn't tell you. If it were like trusting men after a crap relationship though... You know the ones. Everything starts out soooooo nice and it really looks great, but then. It just doesn't, so for the next person that comes along you think "Okay I'll give you a chance" yet you reserve a part of your self that you might otherwise not of? Well. that can be delt with as can this other.... You'll have to maybe retrain sooner than you'd otherwise have too.

Personally, the only drawback in this I can see is A. I have to leave my babies, and B. somebody else has to care for them. In eight or ten years, gulp! They'll bee. (cue the drastic music) Teenagers! and I'll most likely want t get away from them. LOL Hopefully I can find somebody who will make sure they don't wind up on teens gone wild, cops, AMW or in juvie court whilst I'm gone.

Other than that I love almost everything about going off to guide dog school, save for the flying bit. The rest of it? Bring it!!!

I have only 15 more days until I leave. 16 days before I meet my new dog, my leading labbie, and 17 more days until we have that first walk.

Okay all this blather, here is our list of phase 7/8 dogs

As I may or may not of explained, I put the list together earlier this weekend and lots of stuff has happened... There are some names not on this list that were on the previous list... I can only assume that these are the current dogs in class with their people. Nirvana and James are still on the list. There's also a dog named Dorra" that would be interesting as Skye and Benji love Dorra the explorer and "Doughwha" is one of the words Benji says very clearly.

I think for the most part I'm over my please don't let my dog get a hard name to deal with in saying or spelling. I couldn't spell/say Gerard at first and clearly I overcame that. LOL

So. on with the list. Sorry for all the prelist blather, I can not sleep and my room is hot and stuffy to say nothing of the two toddlers spralled out all over my bed. Okay here's the list. Enjoy. thanks too for reading. *smile*
Adonis 42W0 LAB M 8
Aster 4W28 LAB F 8
Autumn 413V LAB F 8
Bailey 48W1 LAB F 8
Bella 48W3 LAB F 7
Camille 464W LAB F 7
Cassandra 4W36 LAB F 7
Delaware 4W40 LAB M 8
Diablo 4W41 LAB M 8
Don 4W42 LAB M 8
Donner 4W43 LAB M 8
Dora 431W LAB F 8
Dynasty 44W3 LAB F 8
Fallon 45W9 LAB M 8
Flo 457V LAB F 8
Heather 4W21 LAB F 8
James 473T LAB M 8
Jedi 4W48 LAB M 8
Landry 468W LAB M 8
Lawson 411T LAB M 10
Leader 41W5 LAB M 8
Marlin 44W5 LAB M 7
McGee 4W66 LAB M 8
Mercury 454W LAB M 8
Mongo 4W68 LAB M 8
Monica 456W LAB F 7
Mulan 45W1 LAB F 8
Nadine 472W LAB F 7
Newman 4W56 LAB M 8
Nirvana 475W LAB F 7
Pavarotti 47W3 LAB M 8
Penn 48V9 LAB M 8
Penne 47W4 LAB F 8
Petunia 47W5 LAB F 7
Pinot 479W LAB M 8
Rockette 479V LAB F 8
Rolex 49V4 LAB M 8
Shelby 4W99 LAB F 8
Tabby 403V LAB F 8
Teka 405V LAB F 7
Toronto 482V LAB M 8
Torren 40W5 LAB M 8
Turner 40W7 LAB M 8

15.2.11

List of Possible Dogs

What follows is a list of dogs who, as of the 10th of this month are in training phase 7 or 8, thus making them dogs that will likely be issued in the next several upcoming, including mine, training classes at GDB. What I do not know is who is where. In other words, I don't know which dogs are on San Rafael's campus and which dogs are in Borring, Or's kennels.

A note on phases...

You don't just train a guide dog in one massive chunk of training. These dogs are smart but even they require things to be taken a bit at a time and slow. It is my understanding that a dog isn't advanced to the next phase until he or she has completely mastered the tasks in the phase of training they're already in. So you could have a litter of pups come back in for formal training and one dog will zip right through, and another will make steady progress and one pup will seem to stall out and stay in one phase for a really long time. Or you can have a dog who starts out like blazes and then they'll seem to be stuck in phase six or seven. There are in total 9 phases 0 - 8. 0 is when they first arrive on one of the campuses and is mostly stuff like medical screenings... Phase 8 is the phase everyone is waiting for, this means the dog is ready to go into class with his or her new partner. When a puppy raiser's dog reaches phase 8 it is a very very happy thing.

There are puppy raisers on my Email list for GDB grads and they are so happy when their dogs go into class with someone or are picked to be a breeder dog. When a pup is C.C.ed Career changed, this means they just didn't have quite the right thing, whatever that may be to meet the high standards that GDB has for their guides.

The C.C.ed dogs aren't stupid or anything. Many of them go on to do service elsewhere like a dog for a diabetic, or an assistence dog for someone in a wheelchair or for someone who is deaf. Some dogs go on to sniff out drugs or explosives for the police and some just become happy happy pets.

GDB has a program, I don't much understnad it completely it is called the K9 buddy program. I think how it works is this. Parents with a blind or vision impaired child apply and then if they are accepted they get a CC dog that their blind child can care for as a pet. This introduces the family to guide dogs as an option for future mobility and lets the child see what it takes to care for a dog.

There is another program where CC dogs go with their handlers and they give talks about GDB and the program I guess much like what I do as a handler with my dog only my dog is a official guide and the other dog is not?

Here is a quick overview of what each phase is. Then on with the list... I got this off of a website for a puppy raising club for GDB.

Phase 0
Training Phases - Quick Reference Guide
Health screenings (X-rays/eyes); agility; kennel enrichment; campus walks, community run intros
Phase 1
Clicker intro; tethering / collar response; food reward and refusal intros; obstacle course; first up-curb exercise; “over here” verbal cue; agility; back-up chute; harness exposure; treadmill; off leash recall; formal obedience begins; pattern training begins
Phase 2
Pattern training continues; second up-curb exercise; distraction route in town; responsible lead exercise; food protocol continues
Phase 3
Third up-curb exercise; dog boot intros; preliminary obedience and guidework testing
Phase 4
Interior building work begins; intelligent disobedience and overhead obstacle intros; traffic conditioning; natural traffic checks begin
Phase 5
Natural traffic checks continue; formal traffic training; total barricades; city routes; escalator intros; city bus route
Phase 6
City routes continue; sidewalkless training; platform training; light rail route; leash relieving begins
Phase 7
Advanced overhead obstacle training; more complex routes
Phase 8 - Finishing / Maintenance routes; Class preparation
Final tests: obedience, guidework, building, and final traffic; pre-class phone meetings with clients; hand and chair targeting intros; pole targeting; dormitory building exposure; pre class physicals; pre-class meeting with the instructor team, supervisor, dorm manager and nurses.


How exciting is this? To know my dog is in one of these last two phases right now? I checked the graduation schedule and the class right prior to mine started Monday. They graduate on the 5 March.

I don't know what dogs are in this class so likely some of the dogs on this list are already in class. Anyway, on with the list.

Adonis 42W0 LAB M 7
Amalfi 4R86 LAB M 10
Aster 4W28 LAB F 8
Autumn 413V LAB F 8
Aza 42W5 LAB F 8
Bailey 48W1 LAB F 8
Brannan 48W0 LAB M 8
Cancun 45W2 LAB M 7
Cassandra 4W36 LAB F 7
Chip 4W35 LAB M 7
Delaware 4W40 LAB M 7
Denver 43W6 LAB M 8
Diablo 4W41 LAB M 7
Don 4W42 LAB M 8
Donner 4W43 LAB M 7
Dora 431W LAB F 8
Dynasty 44W3 LAB F 8
Elma 419W LAB F 8
Faberge 4R44 LAB F 8
Fallon 45W9 LAB M 8
Fandango 46W0 LAB M 8
Flo 457V LAB F 7
Heather 4W21 LAB F 8
James 473T LAB M 8
Jandy 43W1 LAB F 8
Jedi 4W48 LAB M 7
Junebug 4W53 LAB F 8
Landry 468W LAB M 8
Lawson 411T LAB M 10
Leader 41W5 LAB M 8
McGee 4W66 LAB M 8
Mercury 454W LAB M 8
Mongo 4W68 LAB M 7
Mulan 45W1 LAB F 8
Newman 4W56 LAB M 8
Pavarotti 47W3 LAB M 8
Penn 48V9 LAB M 8
Penne 47W4 LAB F 8
Pepita 492V LAB F 8
Pinot 479W LAB M 8
Rockette 479V LAB F 7
Rolex 49V4 LAB M 8
Rosetta 401V LAB F 8
Shelby 4W99 LAB F 8
Tabby 403V LAB F 8
Teka 405V LAB F 7
Tibbs 402V LAB M 8
Toronto 482V LAB M 8
Torren 40W5 LAB M 8
Turner 40W7 LAB M 7

2.2.11

The Problem with doing a podcast in a non-podcasting world

After much farthing around about how best to capture the training tails as it happens, I mean besides my spelling error riddled pointless blathering on here on the print blog, I’ve elected to do an audio podcast. Okay perhaps “podcast” is far too fancy a word for what I’m doing, a great lot of blathering into my bookport plus in the guys of something with a topic. I’m still going to do my mini documentary, perhaps a grand title for a bunch of random video taking place in the same location as my guide dog training class, but I’ll compile it and edit it when I return back home.

The big problem I’m having with podcasting, besides feeling like a complete tat yobbing down the BPP is the fact my brother has been hulking around with his two boys and A. it has been noisy, and B. I don’t want to listen to him asking me who I’m talking to or why I’m talking to myself or whatever.

We have had a bit of a weather event in case no one has paid mind to the news. Mucho snow, cold temps. Dangerous all around. Which sucks as I seriously need to venture forth and get pull-ups for Benji to say nothing of some food. I mean we’re not starving but I’m out of good stuff… So I can’t start the podcasting thing until everyone goes away, back to work/school and this shan’t happen for several days now. I mean I’m not mad that everyone is home, it is loud but that’s to be expected. It is also weird doing my normal house chores around a big group of folks and I’ll have to clean this damned bathroom more often than the two or three times, granted Monday was sort of half assed, because there are three males using it non-stop now and boys are yucky.

Who said this blogging thing was gonna' be easy? Or consistent for that matter?

Pre-publishing OMG moment! Play With Me Sesame is on right now. Big Bird is talking to Elmo. He asked Elmo what he was doing and Elmo says "Elmo wants to know what it is like to be high!" Okay granted Elmo was hanging upside down from the top of the screen. But. C'mon ya gotta admit that's fricken funny! I now return you to your regularrly scheduled posting.

Hello? Ello? llo? o? ?o O?
*tap tap tap blow blow* Is this thing on?

Okay, right soooooooo. Kind of dropped the ball on being consistent where this blog thing is concerned. However! Dear readers, have hope! As I go to GDB in, about… *rummages around for iPhone to consult the lovely “Days until” sub-app in the “Appbox Pro” yes, for the most part it is accessible… Wait? Where is this phone? Where? *rummages around s’more. Under the sleeping 4 year old who’s temp has gone back up and to whom I need to give more meeds here soon? Excuse me honey Nope. However my poking about has caused her to wake up. Ugh, but she is in a good mood, not making sense in whatever she’s saying but cheerful about it non-the-less. So… Barney and friends. This is PBS sprout’s answer to late night toddler viewing? Could be worse, Can’t think how, but I’m sure that it can. What? Barney is on crack he’s leaping about and jabbering away at ninety to nothing. *rummage rummage rummage, where is this phone???* Yes! found it. Also answers the question as to what that noise was earlier when an unmanned object fell down behind the head of the bed. Anyway as I was saying.

*tap tap tap tap* upon consulting ye olde iPhone gasp! 33 more days until I go, 34 more days until guide dog somebodyorother has a name, a physical form, a color and gender! and 35 more days until we take that first walk.

This being the case there will be much more blogging ongoing here. I’ll try not to have too many O/T entries, would like to keep this as much of a “training tails” diary as possible. And, yes I do plan on finishing the tail er tale of my training with Gerard and Fleming. In fact in just one or two more entries I’ll pick up with Gerard where I left off an age ago.

The reasons for my not blogging are A. not important, B. boring to write, they were boring to live through thus dull as dirt to write and C. composed mainly of the simple fact I’m a lazy shit and sort of put this on the back burner. But as class leaps ever nearer we’re getting into the final weeks folks, I’ll blog here as I’ve driven everyone else in the R.W. quite demented going on and on and on about guide dog stuff… So? On with the shoooooooooooo!

24.10.10

And you think Steven King "has dyareea of the word processer" or What's the Story Morning Glory. or this is what has landed me. Here. or the longest blog post and title in history. Or the early morning blitherings of someone who should be asleep...

Right so here's the story morning glory...


A note to the reader... I started out having this be a message to one of my blog friends from Open Diary, guide dog lists etc on facebook. However once I got started I couldn't stop and I passed the amount of words you are allowed in FB p.m.s a heck of a long time ago. I've been meaning to explain this bit in my blog anyway and rather than tell the story for the umpteenth oo Mr. Macky sais umpteenth is spelled right but Mackey is not. Huh? well anyway...

So I'm just going to copy all the gobs and gobs of text I have in the message box and transfer it to my blog so I can just tell folks to go read this thing in my blog. I don't mind telling it and I am planning to expand on some aspects of it but. For anyone who wants my back story for what it is worth. Go read it on the blog for yourself. smile.

On the 18 March at butt ass early a large number of armed FBI, local PD, U.S. marshels and customs Came into our house, yelling about a search warrent and more or less being loud. They didnt bust in with guns drawn, I don't think and they didn't, despite what some neighbor in the news paper said, kick the door in.

Anyway Scary scary stuff. Just thinking about it sends chills through me. Long and short of it is. They had reason to believe Larry had been producing having and trading child porn... They cought some guy in Aussi, down under, and he turnned over his contacts list and they tracked the ip first to the U.S., then to our service provider, then... To us. September first of last year somebody at yahoo on flicker saw some pix on Larry's account I guess. that weren't good. and they put a track on his our internet, his ip or whatever.

Well. If that wern't bad enough the pictures date back, as far as they can tell, to September of 08. The month my Benji was born. God... But wait! There's more! Act now! Larry. Was. using. Skye and Benji. In his nastyness. It's something I try not to think about. A two year and a new born? WTF! I just can't wrap my mind around it. I seen some of the pictures of Skye and Benji. There's this stupid befrigged assclown of a website that he posted to that *STILL* has the pictures up for whoever to see.

I'm ringing my aftercare caseworker Monday to see if maybe she can't do something or better yet tell me what I can do to get this horror off the net. I know they say once stuff is up on the net it's up there forever. Really? It sure would be nice if I could recover the countless number of pix, I've lost over the years. Well anyway...

They took everyone's cell phone and all the computers. Save for oddly enough mine.

They didn't take my iPhone. They didn't take my MacBook. They didn't take my T drive. They didn't take my video camera. I let look through all the pictures on my iPhone and told them those were all the ones on my computer. I told them I didn't let anybody touch my equipment as it is pretty much my main link to the outside world and means of communication. Larry must of made it clear that I a. had no clue what so ever about his actions and b. nobody other than me has ever touched my equipment. I had nothing to hide and was straight up with them.

My friend Shane said they didn't take my stuff because I was so straight with them and it was clear I had nothing to do with it.

I'm so thankful that I did have my stuff because I couldn't of fought the fight I needed for my kids without the iPhone and laptop. It sounds dramatic and dumb but it is what it is.

So here's my bit in all this. The house was horrid. I had got so depressed and numb by that point that I couldn't function well I could take care of my kids but the house had got quite away from me.

No one helped me keep the place up. They did some but it is like trying to clean up after a dog race with a tiny little poop bag.

The girls didn't listen to my rules and Larry didn't back me on having them. They ate all over the house, just threw their trash down, left food all up in the house. And while I tried to keep up best I could there always seemed to be heaps and heaps more, things I missed and all.

The basement was just aweful Larry had the basement and it was downright dangerous. It looked like a hell house that you would see on hoarders only about a thousand times worse. He didn't let the kids or I down and even if he did I would let them down there as it was just a big hot mess.

I told the cops, the SRS, that I tried, I really did, but I couldn't manage and nobody was helping enough to make a dent. It was some small comfort to know that when we went back in the house with the cops and the SRS they both admitted that it was clear I had been trying the best I could.

The house on it's own was enough for the state to yank Skye and Benji. I knew that and that was what I was always telling everyone. The state will take the kids if they saw. x,y,z...

Larry would not let me get any outside help. He disregarded suggestions from family about agencies that would be able to help me learn to manage everything. My main focus was on the kids. But with a house like that y'aknow. I claim it I am a crap house keeper. I can be a great house keeper but I had treaded water so long to try and do my best that I just drowned.

Well. There was the sex abuse and if the house had been perfect the state would of yanked the kids, as they should. I believe the state did the right thing by getting my kids up and out. I used the time they were in out of family foster care to get straight and figure out what we did next.

A few days after they went from protective custody from the cops and into their foster home their KVC caseworker called me and said she had to report an alert to the SRS abuse like as the kids had unexplained marks and brooses.

Later on I was told that the SRS suspected that the marks were burns. Burns? No one smoked who lived with us. The one friend who did always took it outside and never left her things down where the kids could get it...

The two or three things aginst me, the horrid house and neglect and sex abuse and all that they finally ruled unsubstanitated.

Larry has now been labled a child abuser, a sex offender, a child mulester is forbiden to be around children.

Thank. God for that.

Well as the kids were in care I hit the ground running even before our first time to go to court, just days after this happened I was already devising ways I could, with support at first mind my kids and give them shelter. I asked that the kids have educational screenings. Larry, well I'll get to that in time I guess. I had worries, especially for Benji. I also requsted that they be brought up to date on any shots and that Skye see a dentest. Which reminds me. I've got to ring gracemed and set up a time for her... Also gotta call their school and set up or find out where we can get a followup edcutional screening as requested...

Both kids were borderline well Skye was. Benji, as I had thought was very far behind in his speach and ability to well talk, which is redundent. Well when this happened I asked if there could be some way to teach him signs. And I started looking into special needs programs here in Wichita. I already knew the place I was going to seak help from first because I knew they helped disabled kids with delays. I knew and had a few friends from school that had received services from there. So they were my first call.

It took a little phone tag and some red tape but by early May I had secured services for Benji. What took for friggen ever is because infant toddler services, the ones who tested Benji took for ever getting their report out.

Additionally another of my first requests, and it might of been the one I said first. I requested that my babies get into counseling. Like yesterday. What they had gone through were going through was hell and I wanted to try and do as much as I could so they wouldn't be too messed up over it all. Skye got a few play therp. sessions before we came down here. I think they helped. God I hope so. Benji of corse was too young to test

After our first time in court and prior to any court orders being given I signed up for and did 24 hours of parenting classes. I set up therp for me up there and down here and know where I need to go if the kids ever do need help. I looked for housing options. right now we are living in my mom's house, my dad passed away in July... I got in touch or tried to and finally have with voc rehab again so I can get services through them. I was able just a few weeks ago to get us help with foodstamps, my aftercare worker has pushed for and received the green light for paying for Skye's preschool and ben's day school for the next year. Benji is receiving services twice a month at school, Rainbows comes in and works with him.

I even have a few options in mind if and when we need help with education, daycare whatever.

My question to SRS every time I met a case plan goal was what else can I do to help you help me and the kids? I even joined a support group for mom's who had their kids in care and it helped a lot.

On May 10th we went back for court to see what we did next. My parents were cleared to be kinship care for Skye and Benji meaning they would have custody sort of. The state holds over all custody for now. The D.A. was willing to accept the SRS ruling that I didn't hurt or abuse my kids. Rare in a lot of cases like this I've been told. Well at court the judged granted KVC, SRS children services contractor to place the kids with my folks and said that I could be there too but needed 100% supervision. I got it. To the black and white law side of things I failed to protect my kids. I needed to earn trust tha I could. So we went with it. My friends all got background clearence so me and the kids could get out and so they could drive us places we needed to go.

I'm in therp now and on meds. I've ditched the sleeping pills I was given in favor of OTC stuff and the anti deprecent helps.

My first real act of reclaiming my life was to ring GDB and make application for a third guide dog, Fleming having retired in August of last year.

I think my dog is going to be the thing that will let me feel confident and whole again and safe and will be the thing, it's not a thing but you know, that will pull us up out of this befrigged black hole Larry put us in.

In September we went back to court. This time it was to see if KVC could get the right to place the kids back with me and that the supervision thing be lifted... When the judge addressed me she said that I should be a postermom for how to do right by your children. Everyone is just impressed to heck and back over how far I've come. I, just didn't see any other option. I did the right thing.

Oh about the whole importance of the guide dog thing. Larry would not take me and the kids out. Last year for example we remained in the house from the day after thanks giving of last year until the second of feb this year. And this was normal. I took the kids on the deck and everything but as far as going out he said it was too much of a bother and I didn't need a third guide dog. He said I couldn't be trusted with the kids alone outside and he never walked the neighborhood. The girls did but they went such crazy paths I couldn't sort it out. Besides that I didn't have any way to get two kids outside and supervise them.

He sapped every last ounce of self-worth I had.

I didn't walk out because he told me he didn't care if I walked but I was never getting custody of the kids, he'd fight me in court. And he'd win. He'd make it look like I was unfit. Also I beleived in our family and that a child needs their mom and dad in the home. I also put his poor treatment of me off to he is just stressed out and everyone gets like that and takes it out on the close ones to them. He isn't abusing the kids, in the way of treating them bad or hitting them. He never ever hit me. Words hurt just as much. He had me thinking I was the crazy one and just you know sucked me out 'til there was nearly nothing.

He didn't restrict hwo I could talk to, I kept in touch with friends and family. I also didn't walk because I didn't want to come slinking back home with my kids to my folks. To me that was fail. No good. I had faith that things would get better and in a way I guess they did and are...

The same day I got my kids back Larry got nearly 22 years in federal prison. He has no visitation with any of his kids...He's manned up finally and is doing what little he can to see that the kids and I are supported. They get SSI checks via his SSDI and that is enough.

I'm not cutting his rights off or making a big hairy deal out it because if his rights went so would the checks. Besides that. What does it matter? He's effectively physically gone. For good.

You know, one thing some people get and others don't quite get is. I am not mad at him and I don't hate him. I hate I can't say how much, the things he did to our kids, I hate that he as so selfish that he didn't care he was at risk of and did losing his family. But I know there to be some good in him. I tell Skye and Benji that their dad did very bad things but he himself isn't a bad person. He's just ill and it makes him dangerous to be around us so he's in a place where he'll get help. It's like timeout for grownups.. The big bad grownup timeout cage. Skye, when you ask her, knows her daddy is in prison, only she says it prisonit and I think she's stopped confusing it with A. the hospital, or b. heaven which is the two places she thinks grandpa is currently.

I've told her and Benji none of this not one part of it is their fault. What was done to them was bad but they are not bad. I won't let anyone badmouth their dad infront of them and will never say anything bad on Larry.

Skye and Benji deserve to and have the right to come to their own ends regarding daddy. I'll tell them as much as I can in the way they can understand it. If, when they are of age, they want to see or write Larry I am behind that. If they want to write him off all together. I'm behind that too. He took away something from the kids he had no right to in that they and only they are to be the ones wo desides with whom they share their bodies. Not him. So to my way of thinking, he gets no rights to see them. I've agreeded to in time once I've healed more to keep at least a thread of contact with him, to tell him what the kids are doing but never detailed details. I do this because I hope in time Larry can answer for himself. I don't wish any harm upon him, but I know there'll be some.

What I wish for Larry is that he can go to a place where they have therp. and treatment program for people with his problems...I hope he gets the help he's needed all these long years and that he can put paid the hell he grew up in. I've learned several things now that explain so much but don't grant innocents. I hope and beleive he can change and learn how to cotrol his inpulses or whatever the hell it is that drives him to do this shit.

I hope that one day his side of things can come out and that he'll be able to take up his life such as it is and just. Live. Just to reach out to others who have been where he has been and help them get help or talk to abuse victims? I don't know. But I believe that from all of this can come a great good. But he's the only one who can make it happen. I beleive in him and that if he is true about wanting to change that he can. He can and hopefully will learn to control his sickness. He's never going to be cured. Never ever. But I send him all my best, lord only know that he's seen me at my worst... So bye bye larry and good luck to you. I've got life to attend to...

People say I was just as much a victim as the kids but in a different way... Maybe I *WAS* but refuse to be now. I'm not letting one bad event in my life define who I am or how my life is going to go. Right now I sometimes feel like I have to explain my back story and in time this too will pass.

I'm not going to look back. I'm going to do whatever it is I have to do so me and my kids "normal" is a good but different normal. They aren't victims any more either. This is part of their life but so is having blind parents, brown hor blonde, Skye and Benji respectively, hair or any other thing, sure this has marked us but it is only a small part of the big picture.

Today, thankfully. Skye and Benji show no signs of what they suffered at the hands of their dad, and to some extent me. I should of known. I should of been mentally stronger. I should of done up the house.
But it is what it is and that's all it is...

Skye and Benji have just blosemed now they are getting out into the world and learning and playing with kids their ages. Benji is signing and trying to talk more. The other night I gave him a bite of my soup. He wanted another so he tapped me and when I was looking at him and could see what he was doing he signed "more please." He even said it but it sounded like muh beeeeez. He is trying and he can say the named of some things and can find body parts eye ears like that They both seem to be moving on and that's what I'm doing. Like I said, We are no longer victims. rebuild, renew, recover! We will rise above this.

My plans are this... I'm waiting to get services going with Voc Rehab, they are slow and so I'm not expecting a heck of a lot now... But when I do get things going I want to get o and m training on the bus system here. I want to see everything old and new that will help me care for my kids. Things like a way to measure their medications. Keep track of them outside, currently I have a sighted friend go with me to the park or playground. I have supervised them in public but I've not done anything more than go for walks around the neighborhood... When I get my dog though we are gonna fly, er whatever you do when you ride the bus. Wait mostly, I guess as our transport here is suposed to suck?

Bassicly first things first I need to get my personal things in order. That's the foundation. Hopefully by the time I get back from GDB or soon there after I can start working on the whole job thing.

As I am rebuilding a new life I've desided to tell them all exactly what I want to do. I want to work with helper dogs. I think I could train the dogs that help wheel chair users and such and if I can do that grand. My true wish though is to work for GDB. I don't care what campus but to work there would be...

This may sound stupid but oh well... GDB is my favorite place in all the world. I just love the vibe there everyone is so positive. Oh I know there are things which will suck, or people I won't get on with or whatever, no place is perfect. But the times I was at GDB for training I felt respected and like a member of the human race, not a blind member, just a member. With a dog and with some special for lack of a word ways in doing things. I want to say alternitive but according to Mr. Macky, I name my macbook, that plus probily half the other words in this thing are not spelled correctly....

I'm happy there. I'm doing stuff I enjoy and am good at. I know I'm a good handler and with some training and knowledge maybe I could work in the kennels or in AGS or as an R.A. for the dorms when instructors or whoever aren't able to pull overnights. Not sure what I'd do with Skye and Benji but for now I have to focus on getting the training and knowledge and experence and what ever.
I've also got to prove to my mom something so epic that I wonder if I can do it. I have to prove I'm not a screwup she has said "I'm not gonna bail your ass out of california. If you move there you can't take your kids." Well I call bullshit on that. I get where she is coming from I really do, but I can do this and things like that just assuming it will go crap like everything else i my life does nothing but pull me down.

My other interest is oddly enough television or radio or something like that.

In the past I agreed to try and be a phone drone in a cube farm. It is something I could do, I've had some training in it and am good. But do I just want to get a job that will pay the bills but suck my life out or do I really as scary as it sounds want to try for what I really want? I want to try. May not get there or might end up some place I didn't think on but we are going to be fine. It will be hard and I'll be straight about it. Times this whole befrigged thing just sucks but you get good days for the bad days and I have to have faith that it's going to get better, that our lot in life is going to get better. I gotta do it, I'm the only parent my kids have and they are the spark for all I do and will ever do.

I wouldn't be here though if it wern't for my family. Despite some of their rather bummer qwerks, they have stepped up and taken us in and support us, they've been great and I am lucky to have them. Some days are better than other but sometimes that just how it goes. And my friends. My blog friends and email support group friends this is support for stuff like guide dogs for the blind grads. and my FB friends. I may not know all of them in person but the ones who reached out to me with an encourage word or thought mean a lo to me and then there are those folk who have the rather questionible honor of actually knowing me in person. Some of them I can't see in person because they live too far away but they've all been wonderful and supportive and just. Wow. If it wern't for them I would not be where I am now.

This is going to sound dumb but music also got me through. Ben Folds and Sufjan Stevens mostly with some coldplay and soul coughing and about a zillion other bands.

Oh totally random, silly random brain of mine. The girls. Well I wish I knew better how they are. I keep in touch with them on FB and I share as many pix as I can and messages and I will do what ever I have to to keep them in some contact with Skye and Benji. They miss us and God how I miss them. No matter what they are always going to be my girls.

Second random but not as random as thought number one... uh oh right My silly stupid favorite just for fun wish is to actually meet Mr. Ben Folds. Just to tell him thanks for all the music. The good times nad the bad. He and Ben Folds Five have been a part of the soundtrack, a big part of the soundtrack of my life for years and has seen me through some friggen hard times. And I just want to thank him. Ya know... And no I am not a demented dangerous stocker. I wouldn't do things like shreak and throw underthings at him or try to get some clothes off him or whatever those fans that do that stuff do. Look I admire him a hell of a lot. But really. He's just a guy, like everyone else and it is really weird to my way of thinking to do things like collect thousands of pictures of him off the internet. Googlemap where he lives, send him a ginormous amount of tweets on twitter or P.M.s on FB though I follow him both places, I guess the digital version of all those dead heads. Are they still around? I guess so. There are hoards of Elvis fans that go crazy over elvis and he's been dead, God what. 33 yeare? I was about eight months old in August of 77 so I don't remember...

Anyway, Okay I'll admit, Ben Folds provides many of my ringtones on my iPhone and... I do have a raggedy old torn and stained T shirt Larry got for me the one and ounly time I saw Ben Folds in person.

That was crap! They sold out of Ben Folds ture shirts faster than a teenager texting down the freeway at some ungoddly speed. You would think. Oh we have x number of ticket sales or wher ever we are playing has blah number of people so we should have at least whatever number of shirt plus extras but I guess hossin that stuff all over the place is hard. So I got a Rockin' the Suberbs T which is fitting cuz that was the CD I played over and over and over and over when Larry asked me out. I still regard that as a good time. I'll post about how we met and ll for anyone who wants to know Right now however it is two in the morning and despite it being a long day the kids will still be up way too early of a Sunday and gotta get some rest...

22.10.10

And? We're back!!! Not sure where from though... *smile*

Helloooooo out there in blog land... If there's any of you still left reading this? *smile*

We're back... Not sure where we went but needless to say we're back.

That weird eye thing I was having a few weeks ago cleared up finally which is good. A few more blind spots, but hey who's counting?

We have been busy. My brother gets married tomorrow evening and he and his family are getting ready to move in in our basement. Chris's two big dogs Louie and Charley from youtube's "charly bit my finger" fame... came scrabbling through the house as I was cleaning up lunch things. I like those dogs and so does Skye and Benji. I'm not sure why they are over but Chris is here too and he's working on the basement.

Skye and Benji stayed home from school today. At three this morning my mom started yelling at me because Skye had throwed up all over everything. I must of been way out as I didn't hear a thing and the baby monitor is right next to my bed.

I brought Skye in to sleep with me and she kicked me in the head! Ungreatful little bratling of mine LOL

We slep in until half nine when Chelle called. I answered it just to get hello out and then I heard "iPhone shutting down..." GRRR

I've tried calling her back a few times today but only get vm. Oh well LOL

What the hell is wrong with FaceBook? It is totally down or super busy. Ye olde MacBook tries to connect to it but it drops the conection... So I'm outta touch online more or less. Even FB for iPhone is having a problem connecting.

It is finally starting to feel like fall. Today is gray and rainy and a bit chill.

Oh yeah I ordered a book port plus from APH Tuesday. It is out of stock until the end of next month! I am excited about getting it as it will take the place of the DTB player from NLS and means more things I can stick in my pocket vs. taking on the aircraft in March.

I went to the mall yesterday with my mom to Lane Bryant to get an outfit to wear tomorrow. I love it love it love it! I like long floor length skirts so that's what I got and I got a frilly black and white shirt to go with it. I got a neckless and ear rings to go with so that makes two nice sets of jewlrey I have. My mom tried to get me to look into pants but I don't like pants. Tiffanie asked to see what I bought. This made me happy because I would love to be friends with my sister in law. She said she loved it. This too made me happy...

Shock of shocks... When we were checking out the lady who was helping me and my mom asked if I wanted to apply for a lane bryant card because it would knock 20 percent off what I bought. I said sure why not? I didn't think I'd get it but.... I did!!!!!! It has a 100 dollar limit and I need to pay it off next week. I have the money and everything so it's cool.

I'm also going to apply for the visa card thing guide dogs is offering. I was shocked when mom said I could. I told her the only reason I was getting or trying to get the card is because it helps GDB. And I'm down with that any chance I can get.

Alright Skye wants to watch the yep yep creatures on old school sesame street. The one where they find the radio is her favorite. I'm thinking of getting as many shows on DVD/iTunes as I can so I won't need cable when we move out on our own. I want my kids to have old school SS because this new SS is weird. Okay time for the yep yeps...

8.10.10

State of Kansas, blinded by saving money cuts closes services to state's blind.

While trying to look up those documents that told about my ex V.R. worker and the rehab center I cam across this aritcle by Phol Anderson of the Capatol Journal. What follows is the article and my comments. Tell me what you all think?

From CJonline
(Topeka Capitol Journal)
http://cjonline.com/news/local/2010-09-25/closure_deepens_the_darkness
Closing of Topeka facility leaves blind patrons searching, waiting for promised help elsewhere

by Phil Anderson
25 Sepber 2010



In the months before a state-run center for the blind closed earlier this year in Topeka, the Rev. Derrick Hall was receiving training there on how to cope with a sudden loss of sight that was brought on about two years ago by detached retinas.
Life skills, computer usage, learning to use a white cane while walking and reading in Braille were among areas in which he was receiving training.
But before he could complete his training, the Kansas Vocational Rehabilitation Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired, near S.W. 1st and MacVicar on the former grounds of Topeka State Hospital, was closed.
State officials said community-based services for the blind soon would be in place at locations across the state, allowing recipients to receive training closer to their homes — and not have to move to Topeka for several months or longer.

from me: Remember this bit about not having to travel to BFE to obtain needed services and training… You’ll read why later

on down the article.Nearly six months after the Topeka facility closed, the 52-year-old Hall is still in Topeka, waiting for community-based services.
"They said it would be better with the community-based services," the soft-spoken Hall said.

“"But so far, nothing has happened."

from me: …And this comes as an earth shattering shock? Nice to see the state of Kansas is as ass backwards and slow now as it was back when I first started receiving services through Voc. rehab over fifteen years ago.

Officials with the Kansas Department of Social and Rehabilitation Services said the agency is in the process of awarding bids to providers of services to the blind and visually impaired. SRS expects to announce the first providers in the next couple of weeks.
However, to date, no community-based services are in place.

from me: What? They’re still trying to get bids for services despite the RCB being closed? Really? Why in the bloody hell wasn’t this all a done deal prior to closing the center?

Hall said after the Topeka facility closed, he could have returned home to Leavenworth, where he was an associate minister at Bethel African Methodist Episcopal Church before he lost his sight.
Instead, he said, he opted to remain in the capital city after he began volunteering as a chaplain and front-desk worker at the Topeka Rescue Mission, 600 N. Kansas Ave. He also assists at St. John African Methodist Episcopal Church, 701 S.W. Topeka Blvd.
Each person with blindness or visual impairment receiving services from the state has a different story to tell. For Hall, his blindness developed over a short period — a matter of a couple of weeks.
"It did occur pretty rapidly," Hall said. "I knew I was having problems. I was getting ready to go to the doctor one morning and I couldn't see. I was unable to read. That was the first thing that went. Then the TV — I couldn't see it."
Hall had three surgeries for his detached retinas, "but none of them were successful," he said. All he can see now are "shadows."
He met with a vocational rehabilitation counselor in the Kansas City area regarding his options.
"He told me about the blind center in Topeka and asked me if I'd be interested," Hall said. "So, the following December of the same year — 2008 — I decided I'd go there."
Hall said he actually was at the center from March 2009 to March 2010 — "just shy of a year." The time was well spent, he said.
"It taught me a lot of things," Hall said. "It taught me to be independent. I was trying to do things on my own before I came, but I just didn't know how to do them. They were giving me those tools I needed."
In addition to learning mobility skills, Hall said he was being taught how to identify and select his clothes, how to cook and how to read Braille. He also was being trained in computer skills.
Then, around September 2009, rumblings started that the Topeka blind center was going to close. At first, he said, he and the others at the center were told the closure likely would take two years, and they would be long gone by then, with their training complete.


from me” Yeah right, don’t hold your breath

In short order, he said, he heard the facility would be closed in six months. Then three months. And finally, this past February, in 30 days.

from me: Funny how the state can be slow as hell when they have to put forth an effort to help people who are in dear need of services but can leap right into action when the outcome is to their , the state’s benefit.


It became obvious to Hall he would be out on his own before he mastered the skills he was learning.
"It closed before I reached the level I wanted to reach," he said.

from “me this is a sad story told many times. I know of several ex clients who complained of the same thing, leaving the program before they ever reached the level of skills they needed. Perhaps this is a reason there has been a history of revolving clients that come and go? I was one. They’d teach me enough to get by with the vision I had but not what to do, or having taught me what to do, not giving me enough self confidence to strike out on my own.

My plan was to move out of the residential program because I felt capable of doing the domestic tasks, but I still needed a lot of help with the computer and Braille."
He said five people were at the Topeka residential facility, which was open 24/7, at the time it shut down. About 15 employees at the center lost their jobs when the center closed, officials said.

from me: This is par for the corse… Clearly the state is more interested in their dear little budget that they can’t manage properly in the first place to give a fuck about who is going to be jobless or what people are meant to do in regards to being as independent as possible. It would seem to me that the state forgets that their actions impact… *gasp* real people!
for services…

Today, Hall said, he has $7,000 in computers that are gathering dust, waiting for him to be properly trained.

from me: Money management at it’s finest… Way to go Kansas! Thousands of dollars in equipment but neglect to properly train them on the use of same .

"They said, 'Don't worry, we're going to have more services set up in the community and you'll probably be better off,' "

from me: more bullshit from the state.Grab your rubber boots and grab a shovel… It’s about to get deep.

Hall said. "But since I've left, there's been nothing. No services whatsoever."


from me:here are a few words to watch out for if the state is telling youabout something that impacts your life. “don’t worry” reads worry yourself into an nervous break down. . “probily” reads “not bloody likely”. Also if the state is putting things in an “in the future” frame of mind it means they don’t have shit in place and are still in the brainstorming planning of whatever it is. As whatever services you were depending on will take ages and ages to resurface.


When the Kansas Vocational Rehabilitation Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired opened in 1939, Helen Keller was the featured speaker.
For years, the center was located near S.W. 6th and MacVicar, on the extreme southeast portion of the former Topeka State Hospital grounds.

from me: Ah hah! that explains a hell of a lot. I wondered if there was ever a connection between RCB and TSH. .

It wasn't uncommon for passers-by to encounter blind and visually impaired people who were learning to walk with a white cane.
Then, in the late 1990s, Topeka State Hospital closed, signalling changes were in store for the rehab center for the blind, as well.
The Legislature required SRS to develop a new center that didn't include a workshop as a training center, as the previous facility had done.
A new training center was developed near S.W. 1st and MacVicar. The center included a dormitory where people receiving services could stay.


from me: Again money management at it’s finest. That newly built building that cost God knows how much, was in the process of being mostly finished. They were still building the dorm part when I was last there. That was in 02… meaning this building is not even ten years old yet. Now it’s just closed? Epic fail


.Changes continued, some having to do with funding restrictions. Only blind or visually impaired people who were interested in vocational and rehabilitation training would be eligible for services. That meant only those who planned to use their skills in the work force could receive services at the rehab center.


from me: Planing to work is good, however as anyone knows within the blindness community jobs are as hard to find as hin’s teeth. So what then? Even more money fartted away? And WTF cutting out a majority of the client population that could be served? The highest numbers of newly blinded are people who are at retirement age anyway. So if grandma needs to learn self care living skills, she’s got to be willing to work? Where? Mac Donnalds? And I bet the state would get grandma thousands of dollars of equipment but not help in finding her a job training in how to use it? Look. To my way of thinking this is very narrow minded. Not everyone wants to work, especially if they’ve retired. Grandma just wants to get about on her own, cook and clean and read.

There should be a choice. What are newly blinded older persons or those who, for whatever reason aren’t planning joining the workforce supposed to do? Sit around and collect social security, become locked in a back bedroom and forgotten about? Come on people this isn’t the day of warehousing our disabled family members just because we don’t want to deal with them. We have gone past that. This is a regression in the making.

community based services have been around for a number of disabled populations for years and years. Why o why RCB and the state of Kansas failed to see what these other community services were set up is beyond me..


”As a result, the number of people receiving services at the rehab center dropped from about 80 people per year to around 20.

from me: Uh. ya’think? That normally happens when you, o IDK cut out a majority of the population served! Wonder how many thousands of dollars the state spent hiring someone to figure that little tidbit out?

"The cost of the facility and serving that many people was pretty high," said Michael Donnelly, director of rehabilitation services for SRS. "It just got out of control."

from me: Yeah just like the insanity of not only cutting a majority of the population you serve? or closing down the center prior to getting every in place for community based services? Insanity is ramped. look out!

The cost to the state: about $20,000 per person per month.
The budget for the Topeka-based Rehabilitation Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired in fiscal year 2010, the last year of its operation, was $1,244,329.
Ultimately, the recommendation was made to shutter the rehab center for the blind in Topeka and have its services provided by private contractors in communities across the state.
The Facilities Closure and Realignment Commission Report, released in November 2009, projected that SRS would save $73,275 in state general funds and $344,015 in all funds by closing the Topeka blind center. The report further stated that "resources can be shifted to provide more services to a greater number of people without them having to travel great distances."


from me. This is stupid thinking at it’s finest. To save money you cut out a large portion of the clients who could use your help. Please tell me, how many of thousands of dollars will now be under even more strain when the blind who can’t access your services have to depend on AFDC, medicaid, food stamps, leap and other support services for poor people or those who are under employed. because of lack of timely and effective training. This is just like sweeping the ginormous pile of dog barf under the rug it’s out of sight, and thus becomes someone els’s problem.

The budget for new community-based services is $1.3 million over two years.

Donnelly said recently that SRS "wasn't at a place yet where we can announce who the successful bidders are" to provide services to the blind and visually impaired. "But we feel pretty good about the proposals we've got. It's going to increase our capacity and ability to serve people in their home community."


from me: again, this should go without saying… But I’m saying it anyway. WHY! Whty don’t they have the contracts in place? Why don’t they have the services in place? Feeling good about putting something off and off is grand, as long as it isn’t you who are depending on these services. Am I the only one here who thinks this is all kind of wrong?

The proposals being considered stipulate that bidders give SRS a plan that would serve people so they wouldn't have to travel more than one day to receive services, including going back home the same day. In essence, services would be offered within two hours of a person's hometown.
Such an arrangement, he said, would be "particularly helpful to those who are in the four corners of the state," Donnelly said.
Orientation and mobility training offered by the state could increase by 50 percent to 60 percent under the new arrangement, Donnelly said.
Vocational and rehabilitation training will target working-age people who want a job.
Donnelly said he believed those who were able to work should seek jobs. He said work is "important" and helps those who are employed feel as though they are "a full member of the community."
Rather than locking funds into the fixed costs of operating a training and residential facility that had "limited consumer demand," SRS officials said funds are being invested in developing and offering an enhanced scope of services at the community level.
The community-based model, SRS officials said, results in local access to services leading to competitive, integrated employment; assistive technology services; and independent living resources.


from me: I think I’m about to have a major break with reality and become quite insane. Let. me. say. this. as. best. i. can. What are people meant to do if they need and want services provided by your program but because of their wanting to work or not they may be turnd away? Working is good. If you can get it. You could have gobs and gobs and gobs of training, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get a job. The 70 to 75% une/under employment rate among working age blind tells me, lack of training on the blind person’s part, while playing a part in the job or no job. What counts more is the sighted people’s misconception of blindness and blind people. Yeah there is the ADA but the person not hiring you because of your blindness isn’t going to come straight out and say this. They’ll make up any reason, and you can bet there is no way to test if that reason is for real or just a ploy covering up the real reason.

Additionally, achieving a happy fulfilling life doesn’t always come as a perk once you join the work force. There are several other ways. more important than all that happy fuzzy Mr. Rogers, crap about feeling good is covering the most basic needs, food decent shelter, dependable transport. It is much much harder to get a job if you don’t have these basic things in place and if you try skipping over them and gr straight for the job, and meet with failure, that’s going to do a number on self worth and you’ll just stay stuck of state assistance thinking you are not worthy or able to work. Being rejected enough times does this to everyone I’d bet.
Officials stressed that vocational rehabilitation services for people who are blind or visually impaired continue to be provided statewide through local SRS service centers. These services haven't been affected by the closure of the blind center in Topeka. In fiscal 2010, 615 people who are blind or visually impaired received vocational and rehabilitation services at a cost of just over $1 million.
In addition, SRS officials said, "for the few consumers who may need access to intensive facility-based services, provider agreements have been negotiated with in-state and out-of-state organizations." SRS officials said such services may be funded through vocational rehabilitation dollars for eligible people.


from me: Wait! I think that they may of condricted themselves. On one hand you want to keep people in their home community but on the other hand you want to send some people out of state? What the fuck! Sending people out of state to places like the Colorado Center for the Blind cost more per person than instate residential training I would bet so WTF do you have to say about that?

Not everyone is excited about the proposed changes to a community based-only model for services for the blind and visually impaired.


from me: Preposed? give me a break. preposed means you haven’t taken any action on something yet and are trying to read how people react to an idea. This is past the preposed stage. They’ve already closed down the center so it is now in the action phase, right? Or am I just smoking too much crack?
Michael Byington, chief executive officer for the Kansas Association for the Blind and Visually Impaired, 603 S.W. Topeka Blvd., said he believed there was a place for a residential facility, like the one that closed earlier this year

from me. Right on Mr Byington! We need a choice in how we learn to conduct our lives as blidnd people regardless if it was blind at birth or newly blinded. We need to have access to the training style that best fits our needs. Why must we have an either or sort of deal?in Topeka, as well as community-based services.
"I don't want to choose," Byington said. "I say we need both."
He said some blind or visually impaired people learning skills do so "more efficiently" when they are in a residential facility, where overly protective friends and family aren't around to do things for them.
For those who remain in their homes, he said, services may be offered only a few hours a week. Under such an arrangement, it likely will take far longer for them to learn skills,
:Byington said.


from meThis is why I’m not setting any sort of time line up for my receiving home based services and finding a job. I have no clue how long it is going to take, if this stuff isn’t even off the ground, I may be collecting old persons benefits before they get it all up nad going.
He said he and his organization have been "trying to do what we can to replace what's been lost."
Byington questioned the state and federal government focusing on those who want to go back to work, saying it leaves out others who also could be in dire need of services.
He gave an example of a mother in her 30s who lost her vision, with three young children at home.
"Her immediate need was rehabilitation so she could take care of her children," Byington said.
The woman was able to get some training, but only by virtue of saying she would be willing to seek work, he said.
Older adults who lose vision as a result of diabetes or people with eye diseases, such as macular degeneration, may not be eligible for services. Byington said he expects to see more people with serious vision problems because of a rise in medical conditions, such as diabetes, as well as an increase in the number of people who survive head injuries.
Byington said state officials formerly kept tabs on the number of people who were blind in Kansas. The highest number ever recorded was 6,000, he said. Yet, Byington said, the number should have been closer to 40,000 and 50,000.
The state stopped counting the blind in the late 1980s.
With current budget cuts, Byington said, information is difficult to come by for people who are blind or have visual impairment and are seeking services.
The state's referral and information line for the blind and visually impaired has been shut down, Byington said.

from me: Oh! shock! What? The state can’t count the number of blind people properly??? Wow who’d of thought? And bloody hell what are people supposed to do if they can’t get any services at all? There really should be some way to provide in-home programs or socializing programs for older blind persons, communities could have community centers. Take some of us unemployed younger folks and let us staff the community centers we could teach our own. So to speak. C’mon there has to be a way to make sure everyone regardless of wanting to work or not to get a way to get the help they need to live happyfullingl lives. His agency is left as the only toll-free phone number for people to call for information regarding blindness and visual impairment in Kansas, he said. The number is (800) 799-1499.
Ann Byington, wife of Michael and president of the Kansas Association for the Blind and Visually Impaired, said the organization continues to seek services that will meet the needs of the state's blind and visually impaired population.
"We're going to move on, because we have to," she said. "We know in our own organization, we have to get the parents of young people involved, so they'll know who did the work to get things in place for them."


from me: Damn straight. You’re bang on. It just might come to a case of if the state refuses, for whatever reason,, refuses to provide services to a person just because they haven’t a job as their goal, that we’ll just have to do it ourselves, like I said up there. Staff neighborhoods with centers, who best to teach a blid person how to do something? Let another blind person teach them.

Move forward, don’t look back.

Phil Anderson can be reached at (785) 295-1195 or phil.anderson@cjonline.com

Closing thoughts.
I knew the state couldn’t manage things worth a tinkers damn. That rehab center just didn’t work for me. But for some it did. Despite my dislike of that feces place, I still think some services that would be dependable are better than nothing. I fear the state is blind to the needs of the blind and we’re going to be the ones to suffer for it.

Kansas Rehab Center for the Blind (RCB) What a nightmare!!!! *some strong language*

This started the night prior to my intake interview with Voc. Rehab servicesI thought back on my previous dealings with them. More to the point when I was first a client of VR whilst still in high school.

At that time I didn't have the balls or self respect or anything to tell them what I wanted for myself in my life.

I had a horrid caseworker. Just Gawd awful. So scandeless I mean really you'd hardly could believe she was real. She was, I guess still is... When I went to RCB in 2002 she was the overseer of the whole shootin match up there Topeka way. That did not go well because she, if I remember correctly, tried running things *HER* way and that wasn't working. I'm not fresh on the details any longer but can look them up as they are all on line.

That whole effing place was just screwed up. When they lied to me at my last stafing, saying how well I was doing etc and how everyone wanted to see me back, that was an effing lie! The head ass hats had already placed a call and my dad was on his way up to get me. I was the subject of the morning staffing. Not even 72 hours prior I was made to sign a behavior contract. They didn't even give me a feckin chance and fecken lied their collective asses off saying I had not followed through with my agreement with GDB to phone in weekly and update AGS on how Fleming was doing. I had been faithfully. Started out going in on Mondays and phoneing from the office, but AGS person and I felt like things were going so well that I could just phone in any time I wanted. So I did. IDK if AGS still has it all on record but I held up my end of the bargon and GDB knows this. Anyway. That last full day I was there I had a staffing. This is where all the instructors get together and all but a honest few blow sunshine up VR's and my asses. Said stuff like I'm doing really good. I should come back and pear teach blah blah blah.

That next morning they were late coming in for morning cell check. oops! I mean morning meeting, my bad. Those bastards! Waited until all my friends that went to college were gone and everyone else was in the classes at the center. Fucking rat bastards! Big Eva, Frau stupidhead's right hand SS officer, oops I mean the director of studetnt services and the counsler... Called me in. They told me I was being kicked out because I made some people uncomfortible with my outspoken ideas on how, this being a client centered program and all, how the clients should come together and demand change. Demand to be treated like people who just can't see for crap. to speak out on stupid as eff rules. No cooking in the apartments when just a few months ago it was not only allowed but encouraged. Demeaning childish rules. Bed time at nine male and female clients forbiden to sit on the borch of residentual apartment block... Never mind the effing R.A.'s office was in clear view. What did they think we would do? Shoot up smack and have wild sex orgies or something? Or maybe we'd start off scrfycing small anamials and progress to vergens? F I don't know. Really I don't.

They treated us like we were stupid. Let me tell you... I could tell you so many things it would make your head spin. Well mid summer these grown ass ladies came in. They weren't allowed past the porch directly in front of the R.A.'s office and were housed there. They couldn't step out the door wthout an R.A. There was another client who would self harm and it was documented that they needed to be under supervision at all times. Did this happen? Hell no. Not only was she unsupervised she and another girl were moved to another apartment block a ways off and not in view of the R.A. office. This person ended up having to go into the mental hospital because of self harming again. Friggen RCB is lucky that client didn't die. If I were the client's family I'd of taken that bunch of crooks to the cleaners. Eff that man!… That isn’t even scratching the surface.

All I wanted to do, really is bring the clients together who had been expressing feelings about the treatment, rules blah blah blah and unite as a voice for change. Nobody wanted to bring any of this up on the day we had client council, biggest offing joke in the world, meetings because we’d all be poo pooed or talked back down or anything to get us to shut up.

OOO! If something like canned juice was out in the lunch room freezer we had to write an offing proposal to buy more!

One day we were held back because the staff had said too many people were tossing their lunch out uneaten. Who the eff! digs through the garbage to see if stuff is being eaten or not? That might explain why that place was such a befogged mentally effed up place Don’t have time to watch over documented self harmer because too damned busy digging in the offing trash to see what they could see.
There was the can crusher thing. They demanded we crush all of our soda cans in this scary as fuck could takee your arm off if you weren’t mindful crusher thing. No one did it. Maybe if the money gleamed from the collection of cans was used to… O IDK make the client life better we would but this was just making money for the center, probily putting dollars in rich cat’s pockets. That buew shit man I mean fo sure.

Not everyone who worked there was bad. The teachers that seemed to be the most human and understanding, with the acceptation of the first student counser who was sighted but losing vision. She was made of awesome. When they got far stupid head in there though everything went to crap. Come to think of it y’know? The overseer of the asylum, er uh. I mean rehab center and the counser who effed everything up were both case managers of my V.R. case. Any wonder I have a dislike for supposed to be authority figures? Anyway. So there I was getting kicked out. Oh! wait let me explain that we were trying to go underground so to say because if any admin/staff got wind that we clients were going aunmass to something after class they’d just happen along and just so happen to sit within earshot of wherever it was we were sitting. Effing lame.

Well tried to keep this on the down low so maybe we could allowed to think and share our thoughts openly. I wanted people to say what they liked about the program and what needed changing. It wasn’t all back. If people didn’t want to take part that was cool everyone should be respected for his or her thoughts and feelings etc.

Well so there I was kicked out. After I got home I got a few Emails from some of my instructors to say what had happened with me was effed up and that they were more or less bullied into going along with ejecting me from the program. Well fuck that. Sorry but yeah. What the eff ever…

Also the sighted employees got stuff like keys to the building but when blind teachers wanted to use the training center after hours they had to have a sighted person open the doors for them as they did not get keys.

What an offing joke! Anyway this has brought me back round to my point, and I do have one…

Back in high school my V.R. worker was who the director over the whole RCB in 2002. Get it? Hope so.

She was very huh. Closed minded on a lot of things. Her way or the high way more or less. And this would be the first time but not the last I’d catch her in an out right lie just because she didn’t like the employment I was wanting to try.

I said simply I wanted to work with and train service, not guide, dogs and their handlers… She just went off on that saying it wasn’t realistic, doesn’t make a lot of money, no blind people are doing it. blah blah ba blah. Whatever.

Then she picked up her phone, she knew I could see but not how well I guess. And talked on it and then hung up and said she had called the nearest service dog provider, KSDS in Washington Ks and they had told her that blind people can’t train service animals.

Picture my shock when I went to visit the training HQ in person. I asked all about training service animals an they said it could be done and denied ever speacking to that case worker.

Now… Here is where my thoughtscome in. See? I told you. A point. I have one?

Was thinking back to all that and realized something. Rather than taking control of my life and future and doing what would make me happy, not rich but happy I just rolled over and let other people say what I can do. Well eff that man. If I haven’t learned anything else from this whole stupid befogged mess that has gone on from March it is that I can do whatever the hell I want and if people don’t like it then screw them. They ain’t shit. They’s always gonna be some one doubting you, SRS at first, some stupid narrow-minded v.r. person, partner who never was supportive of much. And if you let those stupid P.O.S. people tell you do this don’t do that you’ll just stay stuck and unhappy and life will pass you right by.

There is no reason a dream can’t be realized. It might seem impossible but I truly think anything one wants can be done… Unless you’re blind and want to do brain operations, though who knows? Those days may be upon us sooner than we think

When the kids got taken away, one of the first things I was told is that in cases such as mine the children would be in foster care for at minim of a month and that cases like these don’t get resolved for a year or longer…

I thought to myself “Fuck that! Just uh whatever. a year or more my eye.”

I made a resolve right there and then sitting on the easychair of my friend, just hours after the rade, still sobbing and numb. I said. “No matter what I have to do. No matter what I am told, no matter where I have to go, regardless of how much b.s. I may have to put up with. I sware to God in heaven and everything on earth I will have my kids placed back with me by Skye’s 4th Birthday, and will have full custody by Christmas. I’m not letting my babies who have already been through so much languish away in the foster care/srs system.

You know? There are good foster homes out there but more often than not there are hell holes. So the children get taken away for abuse, physical, sex, whatever and placed in foster care where they are ment to be safe but I’ve heard stories about foster homes being just as bad if not worse than whatever home life the children had been removed from.

Despite the fact the investigator lady frightened the crap out of me I told myself SRS is not the enemy yet. Just stay cool. You have nothing to hide at all. You know you’re right and God knows it too and truth will win out over lies.

I busted my ass first by requesting that the kids get services, cought up on their health needs, shots etc. That they both have counseling and an education/develpomental work up.

I already suspected Benji was behind where he should be, especially in the communicating of things. so even before the workup was done I had already looked into services down here who might be able to help. I found parenting classes online and contacted the instructor to see what exactly I needed to do to get in. I found therps both up in KCK and here. I looked at possible housing options incase I was not allowed to live in the same home as my kids. I looked into what services for me, home helper, etc I could find. I talked to my friends and family daily and they started looking at things I might need when I came home.

I was in contact with the children’s caseworker many times a week if not daily. I kept her in the loop and was always asking what can I do to help you help my kids. About three weeks into this whole mess I had already joined a support group for mothers who’s’ kids had been taken into care. Started parenting classes and a lot of other stuff. My lawyer and the kids lawyer and the kids caseworker all said that I got more done in the first three weeks of this thing than a lot of people do in six months.

Everybody ha just been super impressed with my aggressiveness in fighting for my kids. Even the judge who didn’t seem like the complementing kind.

I don’t think it is all that super impressive. It’s just the right thing to do. I’ve said this time and time again, when you have kids, you give your life for those kids. To do anything less is just not even thinkable to my way of thinking.

Those are my kids and whilst we might have to use medical card, foodstamps and… ther such services, it is up to me to provide for them. I hope in time I’ll be able to reduce the amount of public support me and my kids need Which brings me back round to what I started out to say…

If I want to end up someday working for GDB I have to make it happen. I have to find out several things, what jobs are open, what must you do in the job etc. hen I guess whatever I find out I’ll start addressing here. I have to figure transport and living. Surely GDB pays enough to their emploies because they all live right there in San Rafael o suburbs or watt ever. We stilll may need social services and all so that must be checked out as well. I am not moving any time soon but sooner or later I think that’s where I’d like to be. San Fran is my favoritee place in the world and GDB every time I go there makes me feel worthy. I’m doing things I enjoy and am quite good at. I like to learn and be shown how to do things. All I want is a chance. So long term I have to break things down from point a to z and go at it systematically because I really do think it can be done and there isn’t a reason in the world why I can’t try. I’m going to be quite honest with V.R. this time and insist that my thoughts be taken as light. I’ll work with them like I’ve This started the night prior to my intake interview with Voc. Rehab servicesI thought back on my previous dealings with them. More to the point when I was first a client of VR whilst still in high school.

At that time I didn't have the balls or self respect or anything to tell them what I wanted for myself in my life.

I had a horrid caseworker. Just Gawd awful. So scandeless I mean really you'd hardly could believe she was real. She was, I guess still is... When I went to RCB in 2002 she was the overseer of the whole shootin match up there Topeka way. That did not go well because she, if I remember correctly, tried running things *HER* way and that wasn't working. I'm not fresh on the details any longer but can look them up as they are all on line.

That whole effing place was just screwed up. When they lied to me at my last stafing, saying how well I was doing etc and how everyone wanted to see me back, that was an effing lie! The head ass hats had already placed a call and my dad was on his way up to get me. I was the subject of the morning staffing. Not even 72 hours prior I was made to sign a behavior contract. They didn't even give me a feckin chance and fecken lied their collective asses off saying I had not followed through with my agreement with GDB to phone in weekly and update AGS on how Fleming was doing. I had been faithfully. Started out going in on Mondays and phoneing from the office, but AGS person and I felt like things were going so well that I could just phone in any time I wanted. So I did. IDK if AGS still has it all on record but I held up my end of the bargon and GDB knows this. Anyway. That last full day I was there I had a staffing. This is where all the instructors get together and all but a honest few blow sunshine up VR's and my asses. Said stuff like I'm doing really good. I should come back and pear teach blah blah blah.

That next morning they were late coming in for morning cell check. oops! I mean morning meeting, my bad. Those bastards! Waited until all my friends that went to college were gone and everyone else was in the classes at the center. Fucking rat bastards! Big Eva, Frau stupidhead's right hand SS officer, oops I mean the director of studetnt services and the counsler... Called me in. They told me I was being kicked out because I made some people uncomfortible with my outspoken ideas on how, this being a client centered program and all, how the clients should come together and demand change. Demand to be treated like people who just can't see for crap. to speak out on stupid as eff rules. No cooking in the apartments when just a few months ago it was not only allowed but encouraged. Demeaning childish rules. Bed time at nine male and female clients forbiden to sit on the borch of residentual apartment block... Never mind the effing R.A.'s office was in clear view. What did they think we would do? Shoot up smack and have wild sex orgies or something? Or maybe we'd start off scrfycing small anamials and progress to vergens? F I don't know. Really I don't.

They treated us like we were stupid. Let me tell you... I could tell you so many things it would make your head spin. Well mid summer these grown ass ladies came in. They weren't allowed past the porch directly in front of the R.A.'s office and were housed there. They couldn't step out the door wthout an R.A. There was another client who would self harm and it was documented that they needed to be under supervision at all times. Did this happen? Hell no. Not only was she unsupervised she and another girl were moved to another apartment block a ways off and not in view of the R.A. office. This person ended up having to go into the mental hospital because of self harming again. Friggen RCB is lucky that client didn't die. If I were the client's family I'd of taken that bunch of crooks to the cleaners. Eff that man!… That isn’t even scratching the surface.

All I wanted to do, really is bring the clients together who had been expressing feelings about the treatment, rules blah blah blah and unite as a voice for change. Nobody wanted to bring any of this up on the day we had client council, biggest offing joke in the world, meetings because we’d all be poo pooed or talked back down or anything to get us to shut up.

OOO! If something like canned juice was out in the lunch room freezer we had to write an offing proposal to buy more!

One day we were held back because the staff had said too many people were tossing their lunch out uneaten. Who the eff! digs through the garbage to see if stuff is being eaten or not? That might explain why that place was such a befogged mentally effed up place Don’t have time to watch over documented self harmer because too damned busy digging in the offing trash to see what they could see.
There was the can crusher thing. They demanded we crush all of our soda cans in this scary as fuck could takee your arm off if you weren’t mindful crusher thing. No one did it. Maybe if the money gleamed from the collection of cans was used to… O IDK make the client life better we would but this was just making money for the center, probily putting dollars in rich cat’s pockets. That buew shit man I mean fo sure.

Not everyone who worked there was bad. The teachers that seemed to be the most human and understanding, with the acceptation of the first student counser who was sighted but losing vision. She was made of awesome. When they got far stupid head in there though everything went to crap. Come to think of it y’know? The overseer of the asylum, er uh. I mean rehab center and the counser who effed everything up were both case managers of my V.R. case. Any wonder I have a dislike for supposed to be authority figures? Anyway. So there I was getting kicked out. Oh! wait let me explain that we were trying to go underground so to say because if any admin/staff got wind that we clients were going aunmass to something after class they’d just happen along and just so happen to sit within earshot of wherever it was we were sitting. Effing lame.

Well tried to keep this on the down low so maybe we could allowed to think and share our thoughts openly. I wanted people to say what they liked about the program and what needed changing. It wasn’t all back. If people didn’t want to take part that was cool everyone should be respected for his or her thoughts and feelings etc.

Well so there I was kicked out. After I got home I got a few Emails from some of my instructors to say what had happened with me was effed up and that they were more or less bullied into going along with ejecting me from the program. Well fuck that. Sorry but yeah. What the eff ever…

Also the sighted employees got stuff like keys to the building but when blind teachers wanted to use the training center after hours they had to have a sighted person open the doors for them as they did not get keys.

What an offing joke! Anyway this has brought me back round to my point, and I do have one…

Back in high school my V.R. worker was who the director over the whole RCB in 2002. Get it? Hope so.

She was very huh. Closed minded on a lot of things. Her way or the high way more or less. And this would be the first time but not the last I’d catch her in an out right lie just because she didn’t like the employment I was wanting to try.

I said simply I wanted to work with and train service, not guide, dogs and their handlers… She just went off on that saying it wasn’t realistic, doesn’t make a lot of money, no blind people are doing it. blah blah ba blah. Whatever.

Then she picked up her phone, she knew I could see but not how well I guess. And talked on it and then hung up and said she had called the nearest service dog provider, KSDS in Washington Ks and they had told her that blind people can’t train service animals.

Picture my shock when I went to visit the training HQ in person. I asked all about training service animals an they said it could be done and denied ever speacking to that case worker.

Now… Here is where my thoughtscome in. See? I told you. A point. I have one?

Was thinking back to all that and realized something. Rather than taking control of my life and future and doing what would make me happy, not rich but happy I just rolled over and let other people say what I can do. Well eff that man. If I haven’t learned anything else from this whole stupid befogged mess that has gone on from March it is that I can do whatever the hell I want and if people don’t like it then screw them. They ain’t shit. They’s always gonna be some one doubting you, SRS at first, some stupid narrow-minded v.r. person, partner who never was supportive of much. And if you let those stupid P.O.S. people tell you do this don’t do that you’ll just stay stuck and unhappy and life will pass you right by.

There is no reason a dream can’t be realized. It might seem impossible but I truly think anything one wants can be done… Unless you’re blind and want to do brain operations, though who knows? Those days may be upon us sooner than we think

When the kids got taken away, one of the first things I was told is that in cases such as mine the children would be in foster care for at minim of a month and that cases like these don’t get resolved for a year or longer…

I thought to myself “Fuck that! Just uh whatever. a year or more my eye.”

I made a resolve right there and then sitting on the easychair of my friend, just hours after the rade, still sobbing and numb. I said. “No matter what I have to do. No matter what I am told, no matter where I have to go, regardless of how much b.s. I may have to put up with. I sware to God in heaven and everything on earth I will have my kids placed back with me by Skye’s 4th Birthday, and will have full custody by Christmas. I’m not letting my babies who have already been through so much languish away in the foster care/srs system.

You know? There are good foster homes out there but more often than not there are hell holes. So the children get taken away for abuse, physical, sex, whatever and placed in foster care where they are ment to be safe but I’ve heard stories about foster homes being just as bad if not worse than whatever home life the children had been removed from.

Despite the fact the investigator lady frightened the crap out of me I told myself SRS is not the enemy yet. Just stay cool. You have nothing to hide at all. You know you’re right and God knows it too and truth will win out over lies.

I busted my ass first by requesting that the kids get services, cought up on their health needs, shots etc. That they both have counseling and an education/develpomental work up.

I already suspected Benji was behind where he should be, especially in the communicating of things. so even before the workup was done I had already looked into services down here who might be able to help. I found parenting classes online and contacted the instructor to see what exactly I needed to do to get in. I found therps both up in KCK and here. I looked at possible housing options incase I was not allowed to live in the same home as my kids. I looked into what services for me, home helper, etc I could find. I talked to my friends and family daily and they started looking at things I might need when I came home.

I was in contact with the children’s caseworker many times a week if not daily. I kept her in the loop and was always asking what can I do to help you help my kids. About three weeks into this whole mess I had already joined a support group for mothers who’s’ kids had been taken into care. Started parenting classes and a lot of other stuff. My lawyer and the kids lawyer and the kids caseworker all said that I got more done in the first three weeks of this thing than a lot of people do in six months.

Everybody ha just been super impressed with my aggressiveness in fighting for my kids. Even the judge who didn’t seem like the complementing kind.

I don’t think it is all that super impressive. It’s just the right thing to do. I’ve said this time and time again, when you have kids, you give your life for those kids. To do anything less is just not even thinkable to my way of thinking.

Those are my kids and whilst we might have to use medical card, foodstamps and… ther such services, it is up to me to provide for them. I hope in time I’ll be able to reduce the amount of public support me and my kids need Which brings me back round to what I started out to say…

If I want to end up someday working for GDB I have to make it happen. I have to find out several things, what jobs are open, what must you do in the job etc. hen I guess whatever I find out I’ll start addressing here. I have to figure transport and living. Surely GDB pays enough to their emploies because they all live right there in San Rafael o suburbs or watt ever. We stilll may need social services and all so that must be checked out as well. I am not moving any time soon but sooner or later I think that’s where I’d like to be. San Fran is my favoritee place in the world and GDB every time I go there makes me feel worthy. I’m doing things I enjoy and am quite good at. I like to learn and be shown how to do things. All I want is a chance. So long term I have to break things down from point a to z and go at it systematically because I really do think it can be done and there isn’t a reason in the world why I can’t try. I’m going to be quite honest with V.R. this time and insist that my thoughts be taken as light. I’ll work with them like I’ve This started the night prior to my intake interview with Voc. Rehab servicesI thought back on my previous dealings with them. More to the point when I was first a client of VR whilst still in high school.

At that time I didn't have the balls or self respect or anything to tell them what I wanted for myself in my life.

I had a horrid caseworker. Just Gawd awful. So scandeless I mean really you'd hardly could believe she was real. She was, I guess still is... When I went to RCB in 2002 she was the overseer of the whole shootin match up there Topeka way. That did not go well because she, if I remember correctly, tried running things *HER* way and that wasn't working. I'm not fresh on the details any longer but can look them up as they are all on line.

That whole effing place was just screwed up. When they lied to me at my last stafing, saying how well I was doing etc and how everyone wanted to see me back, that was an effing lie! The head ass hats had already placed a call and my dad was on his way up to get me. I was the subject of the morning staffing. Not even 72 hours prior I was made to sign a behavior contract. They didn't even give me a feckin chance and fecken lied their collective asses off saying I had not followed through with my agreement with GDB to phone in weekly and update AGS on how Fleming was doing. I had been faithfully. Started out going in on Mondays and phoneing from the office, but AGS person and I felt like things were going so well that I could just phone in any time I wanted. So I did. IDK if AGS still has it all on record but I held up my end of the bargon and GDB knows this. Anyway. That last full day I was there I had a staffing. This is where all the instructors get together and all but a honest few blow sunshine up VR's and my asses. Said stuff like I'm doing really good. I should come back and pear teach blah blah blah.

That next morning they were late coming in for morning cell check. oops! I mean morning meeting, my bad. Those bastards! Waited until all my friends that went to college were gone and everyone else was in the classes at the center. Fucking rat bastards! Big Eva, Frau stupidhead's right hand SS officer, oops I mean the director of studetnt services and the counsler... Called me in. They told me I was being kicked out because I made some people uncomfortible with my outspoken ideas on how, this being a client centered program and all, how the clients should come together and demand change. Demand to be treated like people who just can't see for crap. to speak out on stupid as eff rules. No cooking in the apartments when just a few months ago it was not only allowed but encouraged. Demeaning childish rules. Bed time at nine male and female clients forbiden to sit on the borch of residentual apartment block... Never mind the effing R.A.'s office was in clear view. What did they think we would do? Shoot up smack and have wild sex orgies or something? Or maybe we'd start off scrfycing small anamials and progress to vergens? F I don't know. Really I don't.

They treated us like we were stupid. Let me tell you... I could tell you so many things it would make your head spin. Well mid summer these grown ass ladies came in. They weren't allowed past the porch directly in front of the R.A.'s office and were housed there. They couldn't step out the door wthout an R.A. There was another client who would self harm and it was documented that they needed to be under supervision at all times. Did this happen? Hell no. Not only was she unsupervised she and another girl were moved to another apartment block a ways off and not in view of the R.A. office. This person ended up having to go into the mental hospital because of self harming again. Friggen RCB is lucky that client didn't die. If I were the client's family I'd of taken that bunch of crooks to the cleaners. Eff that man!… That isn’t even scratching the surface.

All I wanted to do, really is bring the clients together who had been expressing feelings about the treatment, rules blah blah blah and unite as a voice for change. Nobody wanted to bring any of this up on the day we had client council, biggest offing joke in the world, meetings because we’d all be poo pooed or talked back down or anything to get us to shut up.

OOO! If something like canned juice was out in the lunch room freezer we had to write an offing proposal to buy more!

One day we were held back because the staff had said too many people were tossing their lunch out uneaten. Who the eff! digs through the garbage to see if stuff is being eaten or not? That might explain why that place was such a befogged mentally effed up place Don’t have time to watch over documented self harmer because too damned busy digging in the offing trash to see what they could see.
There was the can crusher thing. They demanded we crush all of our soda cans in this scary as fuck could takee your arm off if you weren’t mindful crusher thing. No one did it. Maybe if the money gleamed from the collection of cans was used to… O IDK make the client life better we would but this was just making money for the center, probily putting dollars in rich cat’s pockets. That buew shit man I mean fo sure.

Not everyone who worked there was bad. The teachers that seemed to be the most human and understanding, with the acceptation of the first student counser who was sighted but losing vision. She was made of awesome. When they got far stupid head in there though everything went to crap. Come to think of it y’know? The overseer of the asylum, er uh. I mean rehab center and the counser who effed everything up were both case managers of my V.R. case. Any wonder I have a dislike for supposed to be authority figures? Anyway. So there I was getting kicked out. Oh! wait let me explain that we were trying to go underground so to say because if any admin/staff got wind that we clients were going aunmass to something after class they’d just happen along and just so happen to sit within earshot of wherever it was we were sitting. Effing lame.

Well tried to keep this on the down low so maybe we could allowed to think and share our thoughts openly. I wanted people to say what they liked about the program and what needed changing. It wasn’t all back. If people didn’t want to take part that was cool everyone should be respected for his or her thoughts and feelings etc.

Well so there I was kicked out. After I got home I got a few Emails from some of my instructors to say what had happened with me was effed up and that they were more or less bullied into going along with ejecting me from the program. Well fuck that. Sorry but yeah. What the eff ever…

Also the sighted employees got stuff like keys to the building but when blind teachers wanted to use the training center after hours they had to have a sighted person open the doors for them as they did not get keys.

What an offing joke! Anyway this has brought me back round to my point, and I do have one…

Back in high school my V.R. worker was who the director over the whole RCB in 2002. Get it? Hope so.

She was very huh. Closed minded on a lot of things. Her way or the high way more or less. And this would be the first time but not the last I’d catch her in an out right lie just because she didn’t like the employment I was wanting to try.

I said simply I wanted to work with and train service, not guide, dogs and their handlers… She just went off on that saying it wasn’t realistic, doesn’t make a lot of money, no blind people are doing it. blah blah ba blah. Whatever.

Then she picked up her phone, she knew I could see but not how well I guess. And talked on it and then hung up and said she had called the nearest service dog provider, KSDS in Washington Ks and they had told her that blind people can’t train service animals.

Picture my shock when I went to visit the training HQ in person. I asked all about training service animals an they said it could be done and denied ever speacking to that case worker.

Now… Here is where my thoughtscome in. See? I told you. A point. I have one?

Was thinking back to all that and realized something. Rather than taking control of my life and future and doing what would make me happy, not rich but happy I just rolled over and let other people say what I can do. Well eff that man. If I haven’t learned anything else from this whole stupid befogged mess that has gone on from March it is that I can do whatever the hell I want and if people don’t like it then screw them. They ain’t shit. They’s always gonna be some one doubting you, SRS at first, some stupid narrow-minded v.r. person, partner who never was supportive of much. And if you let those stupid P.O.S. people tell you do this don’t do that you’ll just stay stuck and unhappy and life will pass you right by.

There is no reason a dream can’t be realized. It might seem impossible but I truly think anything one wants can be done… Unless you’re blind and want to do brain operations, though who knows? Those days may be upon us sooner than we think

When the kids got taken away, one of the first things I was told is that in cases such as mine the children would be in foster care for at minim of a month and that cases like these don’t get resolved for a year or longer…

I thought to myself “Fuck that! Just uh whatever. a year or more my eye.”

I made a resolve right there and then sitting on the easychair of my friend, just hours after the rade, still sobbing and numb. I said. “No matter what I have to do. No matter what I am told, no matter where I have to go, regardless of how much b.s. I may have to put up with. I sware to God in heaven and everything on earth I will have my kids placed back with me by Skye’s 4th Birthday, and will have full custody by Christmas. I’m not letting my babies who have already been through so much languish away in the foster care/srs system.

You know? There are good foster homes out there but more often than not there are hell holes. So the children get taken away for abuse, physical, sex, whatever and placed in foster care where they are ment to be safe but I’ve heard stories about foster homes being just as bad if not worse than whatever home life the children had been removed from.

Despite the fact the investigator lady frightened the crap out of me I told myself SRS is not the enemy yet. Just stay cool. You have nothing to hide at all. You know you’re right and God knows it too and truth will win out over lies.

I busted my ass first by requesting that the kids get services, cought up on their health needs, shots etc. That they both have counseling and an education/develpomental work up.

I already suspected Benji was behind where he should be, especially in the communicating of things. so even before the workup was done I had already looked into services down here who might be able to help. I found parenting classes online and contacted the instructor to see what exactly I needed to do to get in. I found therps both up in KCK and here. I looked at possible housing options incase I was not allowed to live in the same home as my kids. I looked into what services for me, home helper, etc I could find. I talked to my friends and family daily and they started looking at things I might need when I came home.

I was in contact with the children’s caseworker many times a week if not daily. I kept her in the loop and was always asking what can I do to help you help my kids. About three weeks into this whole mess I had already joined a support group for mothers who’s’ kids had been taken into care. Started parenting classes and a lot of other stuff. My lawyer and the kids lawyer and the kids caseworker all said that I got more done in the first three weeks of this thing than a lot of people do in six months.

Everybody ha just been super impressed with my aggressiveness in fighting for my kids. Even the judge who didn’t seem like the complementing kind.

I don’t think it is all that super impressive. It’s just the right thing to do. I’ve said this time and time again, when you have kids, you give your life for those kids. To do anything less is just not even thinkable to my way of thinking.

Those are my kids and whilst we might have to use medical card, foodstamps and… ther such services, it is up to me to provide for them. I hope in time I’ll be able to reduce the amount of public support me and my kids need Which brings me back round to what I started out to say…

If I want to end up someday working for GDB I have to make it happen. I have to find out several things, what jobs are open, what must you do in the job etc. hen I guess whatever I find out I’ll start addressing here. I have to figure transport and living. Surely GDB pays enough to their emploies because they all live right there in San Rafael o suburbs or watt ever. We stilll may need social services and all so that must be checked out as well. I am not moving any time soon but sooner or later I think that’s where I’d like to be. San Fran is my favoritee place in the world and GDB every time I go there makes me feel worthy. I’m doing things I enjoy and am quite good at. I like to learn and be shown how to do things. All I want is a chance. So long term I have to break things down from point a to z and go at it systematically because I really do think it can be done and there isn’t a reason in the world why I can’t try. I’m going to be quite honest with V.R. this time and insist that my thoughts be taken as light. I’ll work with them like I’ve This started the night prior to my intake interview with Voc. Rehab servicesI thought back on my previous dealings with them. More to the point when I was first a client of VR whilst still in high school.

At that time I didn't have the balls or self respect or anything to tell them what I wanted for myself in my life.

I had a horrid caseworker. Just Gawd awful. So scandeless I mean really you'd hardly could believe she was real. She was, I guess still is... When I went to RCB in 2002 she was the overseer of the whole shootin match up there Topeka way. That did not go well because she, if I remember correctly, tried running things *HER* way and that wasn't working. I'm not fresh on the details any longer but can look them up as they are all on line.

That whole effing place was just screwed up. When they lied to me at my last stafing, saying how well I was doing etc and how everyone wanted to see me back, that was an effing lie! The head ass hats had already placed a call and my dad was on his way up to get me. I was the subject of the morning staffing. Not even 72 hours prior I was made to sign a behavior contract. They didn't even give me a feckin chance and fecken lied their collective asses off saying I had not followed through with my agreement with GDB to phone in weekly and update AGS on how Fleming was doing. I had been faithfully. Started out going in on Mondays and phoneing from the office, but AGS person and I felt like things were going so well that I could just phone in any time I wanted. So I did. IDK if AGS still has it all on record but I held up my end of the bargon and GDB knows this. Anyway. That last full day I was there I had a staffing. This is where all the instructors get together and all but a honest few blow sunshine up VR's and my asses. Said stuff like I'm doing really good. I should come back and pear teach blah blah blah.

That next morning they were late coming in for morning cell check. oops! I mean morning meeting, my bad. Those bastards! Waited until all my friends that went to college were gone and everyone else was in the classes at the center. Fucking rat bastards! Big Eva, Frau stupidhead's right hand SS officer, oops I mean the director of studetnt services and the counsler... Called me in. They told me I was being kicked out because I made some people uncomfortible with my outspoken ideas on how, this being a client centered program and all, how the clients should come together and demand change. Demand to be treated like people who just can't see for crap. to speak out on stupid as eff rules. No cooking in the apartments when just a few months ago it was not only allowed but encouraged. Demeaning childish rules. Bed time at nine male and female clients forbiden to sit on the borch of residentual apartment block... Never mind the effing R.A.'s office was in clear view. What did they think we would do? Shoot up smack and have wild sex orgies or something? Or maybe we'd start off scrfycing small anamials and progress to vergens? F I don't know. Really I don't.

They treated us like we were stupid. Let me tell you... I could tell you so many things it would make your head spin. Well mid summer these grown ass ladies came in. They weren't allowed past the porch directly in front of the R.A.'s office and were housed there. They couldn't step out the door wthout an R.A. There was another client who would self harm and it was documented that they needed to be under supervision at all times. Did this happen? Hell no. Not only was she unsupervised she and another girl were moved to another apartment block a ways off and not in view of the R.A. office. This person ended up having to go into the mental hospital because of self harming again. Friggen RCB is lucky that client didn't die. If I were the client's family I'd of taken that bunch of crooks to the cleaners. Eff that man!… That isn’t even scratching the surface.

All I wanted to do, really is bring the clients together who had been expressing feelings about the treatment, rules blah blah blah and unite as a voice for change. Nobody wanted to bring any of this up on the day we had client council, biggest offing joke in the world, meetings because we’d all be poo pooed or talked back down or anything to get us to shut up.

OOO! If something like canned juice was out in the lunch room freezer we had to write an offing proposal to buy more!

One day we were held back because the staff had said too many people were tossing their lunch out uneaten. Who the eff! digs through the garbage to see if stuff is being eaten or not? That might explain why that place was such a befogged mentally effed up place Don’t have time to watch over documented self harmer because too damned busy digging in the offing trash to see what they could see.
There was the can crusher thing. They demanded we crush all of our soda cans in this scary as fuck could takee your arm off if you weren’t mindful crusher thing. No one did it. Maybe if the money gleamed from the collection of cans was used to… O IDK make the client life better we would but this was just making money for the center, probily putting dollars in rich cat’s pockets. That buew shit man I mean fo sure.

Not everyone who worked there was bad. The teachers that seemed to be the most human and understanding, with the acceptation of the first student counser who was sighted but losing vision. She was made of awesome. When they got far stupid head in there though everything went to crap. Come to think of it y’know? The overseer of the asylum, er uh. I mean rehab center and the counser who effed everything up were both case managers of my V.R. case. Any wonder I have a dislike for supposed to be authority figures? Anyway. So there I was getting kicked out. Oh! wait let me explain that we were trying to go underground so to say because if any admin/staff got wind that we clients were going aunmass to something after class they’d just happen along and just so happen to sit within earshot of wherever it was we were sitting. Effing lame.

Well tried to keep this on the down low so maybe we could allowed to think and share our thoughts openly. I wanted people to say what they liked about the program and what needed changing. It wasn’t all back. If people didn’t want to take part that was cool everyone should be respected for his or her thoughts and feelings etc.

Well so there I was kicked out. After I got home I got a few Emails from some of my instructors to say what had happened with me was effed up and that they were more or less bullied into going along with ejecting me from the program. Well fuck that. Sorry but yeah. What the eff ever…

Also the sighted employees got stuff like keys to the building but when blind teachers wanted to use the training center after hours they had to have a sighted person open the doors for them as they did not get keys.

What an offing joke! Anyway this has brought me back round to my point, and I do have one…

Back in high school my V.R. worker was who the director over the whole RCB in 2002. Get it? Hope so.

She was very huh. Closed minded on a lot of things. Her way or the high way more or less. And this would be the first time but not the last I’d catch her in an out right lie just because she didn’t like the employment I was wanting to try.

I said simply I wanted to work with and train service, not guide, dogs and their handlers… She just went off on that saying it wasn’t realistic, doesn’t make a lot of money, no blind people are doing it. blah blah ba blah. Whatever.

Then she picked up her phone, she knew I could see but not how well I guess. And talked on it and then hung up and said she had called the nearest service dog provider, KSDS in Washington Ks and they had told her that blind people can’t train service animals.

Picture my shock when I went to visit the training HQ in person. I asked all about training service animals an they said it could be done and denied ever speacking to that case worker.

Now… Here is where my thoughtscome in. See? I told you. A point. I have one?

Was thinking back to all that and realized something. Rather than taking control of my life and future and doing what would make me happy, not rich but happy I just rolled over and let other people say what I can do. Well eff that man. If I haven’t learned anything else from this whole stupid befogged mess that has gone on from March it is that I can do whatever the hell I want and if people don’t like it then screw them. They ain’t shit. They’s always gonna be some one doubting you, SRS at first, some stupid narrow-minded v.r. person, partner who never was supportive of much. And if you let those stupid P.O.S. people tell you do this don’t do that you’ll just stay stuck and unhappy and life will pass you right by.

There is no reason a dream can’t be realized. It might seem impossible but I truly think anything one wants can be done… Unless you’re blind and want to do brain operations, though who knows? Those days may be upon us sooner than we think

When the kids got taken away, one of the first things I was told is that in cases such as mine the children would be in foster care for at minim of a month and that cases like these don’t get resolved for a year or longer…

I thought to myself “Fuck that! Just uh whatever. a year or more my eye.”

I made a resolve right there and then sitting on the easychair of my friend, just hours after the rade, still sobbing and numb. I said. “No matter what I have to do. No matter what I am told, no matter where I have to go, regardless of how much b.s. I may have to put up with. I sware to God in heaven and everything on earth I will have my kids placed back with me by Skye’s 4th Birthday, and will have full custody by Christmas. I’m not letting my babies who have already been through so much languish away in the foster care/srs system.

You know? There are good foster homes out there but more often than not there are hell holes. So the children get taken away for abuse, physical, sex, whatever and placed in foster care where they are ment to be safe but I’ve heard stories about foster homes being just as bad if not worse than whatever home life the children had been removed from.

Despite the fact the investigator lady frightened the crap out of me I told myself SRS is not the enemy yet. Just stay cool. You have nothing to hide at all. You know you’re right and God knows it too and truth will win out over lies.

I busted my ass first by requesting that the kids get services, cought up on their health needs, shots etc. That they both have counseling and an education/develpomental work up.

I already suspected Benji was behind where he should be, especially in the communicating of things. so even before the workup was done I had already looked into services down here who might be able to help. I found parenting classes online and contacted the instructor to see what exactly I needed to do to get in. I found therps both up in KCK and here. I looked at possible housing options incase I was not allowed to live in the same home as my kids. I looked into what services for me, home helper, etc I could find. I talked to my friends and family daily and they started looking at things I might need when I came home.

I was in contact with the children’s caseworker many times a week if not daily. I kept her in the loop and was always asking what can I do to help you help my kids. About three weeks into this whole mess I had already joined a support group for mothers who’s’ kids had been taken into care. Started parenting classes and a lot of other stuff. My lawyer and the kids lawyer and the kids caseworker all said that I got more done in the first three weeks of this thing than a lot of people do in six months.

Everybody ha just been super impressed with my aggressiveness in fighting for my kids. Even the judge who didn’t seem like the complementing kind.

I don’t think it is all that super impressive. It’s just the right thing to do. I’ve said this time and time again, when you have kids, you give your life for those kids. To do anything less is just not even thinkable to my way of thinking.

Those are my kids and whilst we might have to use medical card, foodstamps and… ther such services, it is up to me to provide for them. I hope in time I’ll be able to reduce the amount of public support me and my kids need Which brings me back round to what I started out to say…

If I want to end up someday working for GDB I have to make it happen. I have to find out several things, what jobs are open, what must you do in the job etc. hen I guess whatever I find out I’ll start addressing here. I have to figure transport and living. Surely GDB pays enough to their emploies because they all live right there in San Rafael o suburbs or watt ever. We stilll may need social services and all so that must be checked out as well. I am not moving any time soon but sooner or later I think that’s where I’d like to be. San Fran is my favoritee place in the world and GDB every time I go there makes me feel worthy. I’m doing things I enjoy and am quite good at. I like to learn and be shown how to do things. All I want is a chance. So long term I have to break things down from point a to z and go at it systematically because I really do think it can be done and there isn’t a reason in the world why I can’t try. I’m going to be quite honest with V.R. this time and insist that my thoughts be taken as light. I’ll work with them like I’ve This started the night prior to my intake interview with Voc. Rehab servicesI thought back on my previous dealings with them. More to the point when I was first a client of VR whilst still in high school.

At that time I didn't have the balls or self respect or anything to tell them what I wanted for myself in my life.

I had a horrid caseworker. Just Gawd awful. So scandeless I mean really you'd hardly could believe she was real. She was, I guess still is... When I went to RCB in 2002 she was the overseer of the whole shootin match up there Topeka way. That did not go well because she, if I remember correctly, tried running things *HER* way and that wasn't working. I'm not fresh on the details any longer but can look them up as they are all on line.

That whole effing place was just screwed up. When they lied to me at my last stafing, saying how well I was doing etc and how everyone wanted to see me back, that was an effing lie! The head ass hats had already placed a call and my dad was on his way up to get me. I was the subject of the morning staffing. Not even 72 hours prior I was made to sign a behavior contract. They didn't even give me a feckin chance and fecken lied their collective asses off saying I had not followed through with my agreement with GDB to phone in weekly and update AGS on how Fleming was doing. I had been faithfully. Started out going in on Mondays and phoneing from the office, but AGS person and I felt like things were going so well that I could just phone in any time I wanted. So I did. IDK if AGS still has it all on record but I held up my end of the bargon and GDB knows this. Anyway. That last full day I was there I had a staffing. This is where all the instructors get together and all but a honest few blow sunshine up VR's and my asses. Said stuff like I'm doing really good. I should come back and pear teach blah blah blah.

That next morning they were late coming in for morning cell check. oops! I mean morning meeting, my bad. Those bastards! Waited until all my friends that went to college were gone and everyone else was in the classes at the center. Fucking rat bastards! Big Eva, Frau stupidhead's right hand SS officer, oops I mean the director of studetnt services and the counsler... Called me in. They told me I was being kicked out because I made some people uncomfortible with my outspoken ideas on how, this being a client centered program and all, how the clients should come together and demand change. Demand to be treated like people who just can't see for crap. to speak out on stupid as eff rules. No cooking in the apartments when just a few months ago it was not only allowed but encouraged. Demeaning childish rules. Bed time at nine male and female clients forbiden to sit on the borch of residentual apartment block... Never mind the effing R.A.'s office was in clear view. What did they think we would do? Shoot up smack and have wild sex orgies or something? Or maybe we'd start off scrfycing small anamials and progress to vergens? F I don't know. Really I don't.

They treated us like we were stupid. Let me tell you... I could tell you so many things it would make your head spin. Well mid summer these grown ass ladies came in. They weren't allowed past the porch directly in front of the R.A.'s office and were housed there. They couldn't step out the door wthout an R.A. There was another client who would self harm and it was documented that they needed to be under supervision at all times. Did this happen? Hell no. Not only was she unsupervised she and another girl were moved to another apartment block a ways off and not in view of the R.A. office. This person ended up having to go into the mental hospital because of self harming again. Friggen RCB is lucky that client didn't die. If I were the client's family I'd of taken that bunch of crooks to the cleaners. Eff that man!… That isn’t even scratching the surface.

All I wanted to do, really is bring the clients together who had been expressing feelings about the treatment, rules blah blah blah and unite as a voice for change. Nobody wanted to bring any of this up on the day we had client council, biggest offing joke in the world, meetings because we’d all be poo pooed or talked back down or anything to get us to shut up.

OOO! If something like canned juice was out in the lunch room freezer we had to write an offing proposal to buy more!

One day we were held back because the staff had said too many people were tossing their lunch out uneaten. Who the eff! digs through the garbage to see if stuff is being eaten or not? That might explain why that place was such a befogged mentally effed up place Don’t have time to watch over documented self harmer because too damned busy digging in the offing trash to see what they could see.
There was the can crusher thing. They demanded we crush all of our soda cans in this scary as fuck could takee your arm off if you weren’t mindful crusher thing. No one did it. Maybe if the money gleamed from the collection of cans was used to… O IDK make the client life better we would but this was just making money for the center, probily putting dollars in rich cat’s pockets. That buew shit man I mean fo sure.

Not everyone who worked there was bad. The teachers that seemed to be the most human and understanding, with the acceptation of the first student counser who was sighted but losing vision. She was made of awesome. When they got far stupid head in there though everything went to crap. Come to think of it y’know? The overseer of the asylum, er uh. I mean rehab center and the counser who effed everything up were both case managers of my V.R. case. Any wonder I have a dislike for supposed to be authority figures? Anyway. So there I was getting kicked out. Oh! wait let me explain that we were trying to go underground so to say because if any admin/staff got wind that we clients were going aunmass to something after class they’d just happen along and just so happen to sit within earshot of wherever it was we were sitting. Effing lame.

Well tried to keep this on the down low so maybe we could allowed to think and share our thoughts openly. I wanted people to say what they liked about the program and what needed changing. It wasn’t all back. If people didn’t want to take part that was cool everyone should be respected for his or her thoughts and feelings etc.

Well so there I was kicked out. After I got home I got a few Emails from some of my instructors to say what had happened with me was effed up and that they were more or less bullied into going along with ejecting me from the program. Well fuck that. Sorry but yeah. What the eff ever…

Also the sighted employees got stuff like keys to the building but when blind teachers wanted to use the training center after hours they had to have a sighted person open the doors for them as they did not get keys.

What an offing joke! Anyway this has brought me back round to my point, and I do have one…

Back in high school my V.R. worker was who the director over the whole RCB in 2002. Get it? Hope so.

She was very huh. Closed minded on a lot of things. Her way or the high way more or less. And this would be the first time but not the last I’d catch her in an out right lie just because she didn’t like the employment I was wanting to try.

I said simply I wanted to work with and train service, not guide, dogs and their handlers… She just went off on that saying it wasn’t realistic, doesn’t make a lot of money, no blind people are doing it. blah blah ba blah. Whatever.

Then she picked up her phone, she knew I could see but not how well I guess. And talked on it and then hung up and said she had called the nearest service dog provider, KSDS in Washington Ks and they had told her that blind people can’t train service animals.

Picture my shock when I went to visit the training HQ in person. I asked all about training service animals an they said it could be done and denied ever speacking to that case worker.

Now… Here is where my thoughtscome in. See? I told you. A point. I have one?

Was thinking back to all that and realized something. Rather than taking control of my life and future and doing what would make me happy, not rich but happy I just rolled over and let other people say what I can do. Well eff that man. If I haven’t learned anything else from this whole stupid befogged mess that has gone on from March it is that I can do whatever the hell I want and if people don’t like it then screw them. They ain’t shit. They’s always gonna be some one doubting you, SRS at first, some stupid narrow-minded v.r. person, partner who never was supportive of much. And if you let those stupid P.O.S. people tell you do this don’t do that you’ll just stay stuck and unhappy and life will pass you right by.

There is no reason a dream can’t be realized. It might seem impossible but I truly think anything one wants can be done… Unless you’re blind and want to do brain operations, though who knows? Those days may be upon us sooner than we think

When the kids got taken away, one of the first things I was told is that in cases such as mine the children would be in foster care for at minim of a month and that cases like these don’t get resolved for a year or longer…

I thought to myself “Fuck that! Just uh whatever. a year or more my eye.”

I made a resolve right there and then sitting on the easychair of my friend, just hours after the rade, still sobbing and numb. I said. “No matter what I have to do. No matter what I am told, no matter where I have to go, regardless of how much b.s. I may have to put up with. I sware to God in heaven and everything on earth I will have my kids placed back with me by Skye’s 4th Birthday, and will have full custody by Christmas. I’m not letting my babies who have already been through so much languish away in the foster care/srs system.

You know? There are good foster homes out there but more often than not there are hell holes. So the children get taken away for abuse, physical, sex, whatever and placed in foster care where they are ment to be safe but I’ve heard stories about foster homes being just as bad if not worse than whatever home life the children had been removed from.

Despite the fact the investigator lady frightened the crap out of me I told myself SRS is not the enemy yet. Just stay cool. You have nothing to hide at all. You know you’re right and God knows it too and truth will win out over lies.

I busted my ass first by requesting that the kids get services, cought up on their health needs, shots etc. That they both have counseling and an education/develpomental work up.

I already suspected Benji was behind where he should be, especially in the communicating of things. so even before the workup was done I had already looked into services down here who might be able to help. I found parenting classes online and contacted the instructor to see what exactly I needed to do to get in. I found therps both up in KCK and here. I looked at possible housing options incase I was not allowed to live in the same home as my kids. I looked into what services for me, home helper, etc I could find. I talked to my friends and family daily and they started looking at things I might need when I came home.

I was in contact with the children’s caseworker many times a week if not daily. I kept her in the loop and was always asking what can I do to help you help my kids. About three weeks into this whole mess I had already joined a support group for mothers who’s’ kids had been taken into care. Started parenting classes and a lot of other stuff. My lawyer and the kids lawyer and the kids caseworker all said that I got more done in the first three weeks of this thing than a lot of people do in six months.

Everybody ha just been super impressed with my aggressiveness in fighting for my kids. Even the judge who didn’t seem like the complementing kind.

I don’t think it is all that super impressive. It’s just the right thing to do. I’ve said this time and time again, when you have kids, you give your life for those kids. To do anything less is just not even thinkable to my way of thinking.

Those are my kids and whilst we might have to use medical card, foodstamps and… ther such services, it is up to me to provide for them. I hope in time I’ll be able to reduce the amount of public support me and my kids need Which brings me back round to what I started out to say…

If I want to end up someday working for GDB I have to make it happen. I have to find out several things, what jobs are open, what must you do in the job etc. hen I guess whatever I find out I’ll start addressing here. I have to figure transport and living. Surely GDB pays enough to their emploies because they all live right there in San Rafael o suburbs or watt ever. We stilll may need social services and all so that must be checked out as well. I am not moving any time soon but sooner or later I think that’s where I’d like to be. San Fran is my favoritee place in the world and GDB every time I go there makes me feel worthy. I’m doing things I enjoy and am quite good at. I like to learn and be shown how to do things. All I want is a chance. So long term I have to break things down from point a to z and go at it systematically because I really do think it can be done and there isn’t a reason in the world why I can’t try. I’m going to be quite honest with V.R. this time and insist that my thoughts be taken as light. I’ll work with them like I’ve This started the night prior to my intake interview with Voc. Rehab servicesI thought back on my previous dealings with them. More to the point when I was first a client of VR whilst still in high school.

At that time I didn't have the balls or self respect or anything to tell them what I wanted for myself in my life.

I had a horrid caseworker. Just Gawd awful. So scandeless I mean really you'd hardly could believe she was real. She was, I guess still is... When I went to RCB in 2002 she was the overseer of the whole shootin match up there Topeka way. That did not go well because she, if I remember correctly, tried running things *HER* way and that wasn't working. I'm not fresh on the details any longer but can look them up as they are all on line.

That whole effing place was just screwed up. When they lied to me at my last stafing, saying how well I was doing etc and how everyone wanted to see me back, that was an effing lie! The head ass hats had already placed a call and my dad was on his way up to get me. I was the subject of the morning staffing. Not even 72 hours prior I was made to sign a behavior contract. They didn't even give me a feckin chance and fecken lied their collective asses off saying I had not followed through with my agreement with GDB to phone in weekly and update AGS on how Fleming was doing. I had been faithfully. Started out going in on Mondays and phoneing from the office, but AGS person and I felt like things were going so well that I could just phone in any time I wanted. So I did. IDK if AGS still has it all on record but I held up my end of the bargon and GDB knows this. Anyway. That last full day I was there I had a staffing. This is where all the instructors get together and all but a honest few blow sunshine up VR's and my asses. Said stuff like I'm doing really good. I should come back and pear teach blah blah blah.

That next morning they were late coming in for morning cell check. oops! I mean morning meeting, my bad. Those bastards! Waited until all my friends that went to college were gone and everyone else was in the classes at the center. Fucking rat bastards! Big Eva, Frau stupidhead's right hand SS officer, oops I mean the director of studetnt services and the counsler... Called me in. They told me I was being kicked out because I made some people uncomfortible with my outspoken ideas on how, this being a client centered program and all, how the clients should come together and demand change. Demand to be treated like people who just can't see for crap. to speak out on stupid as eff rules. No cooking in the apartments when just a few months ago it was not only allowed but encouraged. Demeaning childish rules. Bed time at nine male and female clients forbiden to sit on the borch of residentual apartment block... Never mind the effing R.A.'s office was in clear view. What did they think we would do? Shoot up smack and have wild sex orgies or something? Or maybe we'd start off scrfycing small anamials and progress to vergens? F I don't know. Really I don't.

They treated us like we were stupid. Let me tell you... I could tell you so many things it would make your head spin. Well mid summer these grown ass ladies came in. They weren't allowed past the porch directly in front of the R.A.'s office and were housed there. They couldn't step out the door wthout an R.A. There was another client who would self harm and it was documented that they needed to be under supervision at all times. Did this happen? Hell no. Not only was she unsupervised she and another girl were moved to another apartment block a ways off and not in view of the R.A. office. This person ended up having to go into the mental hospital because of self harming again. Friggen RCB is lucky that client didn't die. If I were the client's family I'd of taken that bunch of crooks to the cleaners. Eff that man!… That isn’t even scratching the surface.

All I wanted to do, really is bring the clients together who had been expressing feelings about the treatment, rules blah blah blah and unite as a voice for change. Nobody wanted to bring any of this up on the day we had client council, biggest offing joke in the world, meetings because we’d all be poo pooed or talked back down or anything to get us to shut up.

OOO! If something like canned juice was out in the lunch room freezer we had to write an offing proposal to buy more!

One day we were held back because the staff had said too many people were tossing their lunch out uneaten. Who the eff! digs through the garbage to see if stuff is being eaten or not? That might explain why that place was such a befogged mentally effed up place Don’t have time to watch over documented self harmer because too damned busy digging in the offing trash to see what they could see.
There was the can crusher thing. They demanded we crush all of our soda cans in this scary as fuck could takee your arm off if you weren’t mindful crusher thing. No one did it. Maybe if the money gleamed from the collection of cans was used to… O IDK make the client life better we would but this was just making money for the center, probily putting dollars in rich cat’s pockets. That buew shit man I mean fo sure.

Not everyone who worked there was bad. The teachers that seemed to be the most human and understanding, with the acceptation of the first student counser who was sighted but losing vision. She was made of awesome. When they got far stupid head in there though everything went to crap. Come to think of it y’know? The overseer of the asylum, er uh. I mean rehab center and the counser who effed everything up were both case managers of my V.R. case. Any wonder I have a dislike for supposed to be authority figures? Anyway. So there I was getting kicked out. Oh! wait let me explain that we were trying to go underground so to say because if any admin/staff got wind that we clients were going aunmass to something after class they’d just happen along and just so happen to sit within earshot of wherever it was we were sitting. Effing lame.

Well tried to keep this on the down low so maybe we could allowed to think and share our thoughts openly. I wanted people to say what they liked about the program and what needed changing. It wasn’t all back. If people didn’t want to take part that was cool everyone should be respected for his or her thoughts and feelings etc.

Well so there I was kicked out. After I got home I got a few Emails from some of my instructors to say what had happened with me was effed up and that they were more or less bullied into going along with ejecting me from the program. Well fuck that. Sorry but yeah. What the eff ever…

Also the sighted employees got stuff like keys to the building but when blind teachers wanted to use the training center after hours they had to have a sighted person open the doors for them as they did not get keys.

What an offing joke! Anyway this has brought me back round to my point, and I do have one…

Back in high school my V.R. worker was who the director over the whole RCB in 2002. Get it? Hope so.

She was very huh. Closed minded on a lot of things. Her way or the high way more or less. And this would be the first time but not the last I’d catch her in an out right lie just because she didn’t like the employment I was wanting to try.

I said simply I wanted to work with and train service, not guide, dogs and their handlers… She just went off on that saying it wasn’t realistic, doesn’t make a lot of money, no blind people are doing it. blah blah ba blah. Whatever.

Then she picked up her phone, she knew I could see but not how well I guess. And talked on it and then hung up and said she had called the nearest service dog provider, KSDS in Washington Ks and they had told her that blind people can’t train service animals.

Picture my shock when I went to visit the training HQ in person. I asked all about training service animals an they said it could be done and denied ever speacking to that case worker.

Now… Here is where my thoughtscome in. See? I told you. A point. I have one?

Was thinking back to all that and realized something. Rather than taking control of my life and future and doing what would make me happy, not rich but happy I just rolled over and let other people say what I can do. Well eff that man. If I haven’t learned anything else from this whole stupid befogged mess that has gone on from March it is that I can do whatever the hell I want and if people don’t like it then screw them. They ain’t shit. They’s always gonna be some one doubting you, SRS at first, some stupid narrow-minded v.r. person, partner who never was supportive of much. And if you let those stupid P.O.S. people tell you do this don’t do that you’ll just stay stuck and unhappy and life will pass you right by.

There is no reason a dream can’t be realized. It might seem impossible but I truly think anything one wants can be done… Unless you’re blind and want to do brain operations, though who knows? Those days may be upon us sooner than we think

When the kids got taken away, one of the first things I was told is that in cases such as mine the children would be in foster care for at minim of a month and that cases like these don’t get resolved for a year or longer…

I thought to myself “Fuck that! Just uh whatever. a year or more my eye.”

I made a resolve right there and then sitting on the easychair of my friend, just hours after the rade, still sobbing and numb. I said. “No matter what I have to do. No matter what I am told, no matter where I have to go, regardless of how much b.s. I may have to put up with. I sware to God in heaven and everything on earth I will have my kids placed back with me by Skye’s 4th Birthday, and will have full custody by Christmas. I’m not letting my babies who have already been through so much languish away in the foster care/srs system.

You know? There are good foster homes out there but more often than not there are hell holes. So the children get taken away for abuse, physical, sex, whatever and placed in foster care where they are ment to be safe but I’ve heard stories about foster homes being just as bad if not worse than whatever home life the children had been removed from.

Despite the fact the investigator lady frightened the crap out of me I told myself SRS is not the enemy yet. Just stay cool. You have nothing to hide at all. You know you’re right and God knows it too and truth will win out over lies.

I busted my ass first by requesting that the kids get services, cought up on their health needs, shots etc. That they both have counseling and an education/develpomental work up.

I already suspected Benji was behind where he should be, especially in the communicating of things. so even before the workup was done I had already looked into services down here who might be able to help. I found parenting classes online and contacted the instructor to see what exactly I needed to do to get in. I found therps both up in KCK and here. I looked at possible housing options incase I was not allowed to live in the same home as my kids. I looked into what services for me, home helper, etc I could find. I talked to my friends and family daily and they started looking at things I might need when I came home.

I was in contact with the children’s caseworker many times a week if not daily. I kept her in the loop and was always asking what can I do to help you help my kids. About three weeks into this whole mess I had already joined a support group for mothers who’s’ kids had been taken into care. Started parenting classes and a lot of other stuff. My lawyer and the kids lawyer and the kids caseworker all said that I got more done in the first three weeks of this thing than a lot of people do in six months.

Everybody ha just been super impressed with my aggressiveness in fighting for my kids. Even the judge who didn’t seem like the complementing kind.

I don’t think it is all that super impressive. It’s just the right thing to do. I’ve said this time and time again, when you have kids, you give your life for those kids. To do anything less is just not even thinkable to my way of thinking.

Those are my kids and whilst we might have to use medical card, foodstamps and… ther such services, it is up to me to provide for them. I hope in time I’ll be able to reduce the amount of public support me and my kids need Which brings me back round to what I started out to say…

If I want to end up someday working for GDB I have to make it happen. I have to find out several things, what jobs are open, what must you do in the job etc. hen I guess whatever I find out I’ll start addressing here. I have to figure transport and living. Surely GDB pays enough to their emploies because they all live right there in San Rafael o suburbs or watt ever. We stilll may need social services and all so that must be checked out as well. I am not moving any time soon but sooner or later I think that’s where I’d like to be. San Fran is my favoritee place in the world and GDB every time I go there makes me feel worthy. I’m doing things I enjoy and am quite good at. I like to learn and be shown how to do things. All I want is a chance. So long term I have to break things down from point a to z and go at it systematically because I really do think it can be done and there isn’t a reason in the world why I can’t try. I’m going to be quite honest with V.R. this time and insist that my thoughts be taken as light. I’ll work with them like I’ve done thus far with SRS,KVC After Care and mental health professionals. There must be a way to get your dreams, what that way is right now for me remains to be seeen, but just like I foght agressively for my kids, I don't see why I can't be as agressive and driven to reach other things that seem/ed out of reach.

Reader's note:
Earlier this year the RCB residentual rehab facility for adult blind. Was shut down, ass services are now community/home based. deinstutionalization at it's finest. Why community based programs wern't done sooner, Alderman V. Pennhurst state school and hospital, 1974 and the Willowbrook schoolscandle which paived the road for disabled and mentally delaied persons to join in the cumunity, living on their own or in group homes, not hidden away in a falling down rotting broke down over crowded ward, kept in cribs, tied to bed rails tied to wheelchairs, made to live in their own filth for lack of staff to change them. Places like Pennhurst wearhouse the nation's burden for lack of a better word. out of sight out of mind... Thank God times have changed. About damned time RCB went the way os the state schools/hospitals, not like state school for deaf or blind... just well Pennhurst and schools like that Over crowded, understaffed, rundown asylums. Thought those were a old old old term? Nope. Asylum lives on, but for how much longer I can not say.

Best thing one can do if wanting/needing skills training it is to train in the place where you live, some guide dog schools do programs like that and GDB will, but it is on a case by case thing. Personally Guide dog school is my favorite blinky place to go. They, unlike RCB, treats you like normal. They don't talk down to you or asusume anything about you That place is just made of awesome. Well need to go to bed... GN blogland TTYL TTFN