You Snooze You Lose and other things

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(Via .)

You Snooze You Lose… GRRR

Title pretty much says it all. *mutter mutter mutter grump mutter*
I have been waiting on the edge of my seat to have the uber important big pre-class phone meeting with one of the poor souls who has to put up er um train me with my dog for like? Ever?

So what happens? Friday, yesterday, Benji and I snuggle up and fall asleep watching Dora on NetFlix and my phone goes missing among the bedding. Jessica one of the trainers calls me and I wake up and fumble around and around for my phone only to grab hold of it just as she was being sent to VM.

I rang her back, twice, and in fact have her extenuation memorized LOL. but she never got back to me yesterday. I am fully sure that she will reach me Monday as I told her afternoons were best as Benji normally is napping. Let’s just make a note to myself to insure that, until I speak with her, I do not. Also must put iPhone on charger stand so it won’t die on me when speaking with her. What in the bloody hell is this sawing wining sound? It’s about to make me lose my sh*t. GRRR it’s been going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on at the edge of notice just at that point it is irritating for IDK how long. Maybe mom is shreding papers or something? IDK IDK IDK. Anyway.

On the good side of things, I am sitting down and going over everything in my head and taking notes so when I have my phone call I’ll not sound as much like a blithering idget as I normally do.

Went food shopping today. Brought home mostly sweets… But it is month’s end and that’s okay. I got a small jug that fits in the door of my mini fridge so I can keep my lemon aide in my room. Save for anything that doesn’t require a freezer, I keep most if not all my food in my room. I’m not hoarding or anything, but I do have to keep my food apart from everyone due to foodstamp rules plus I know where it all is. Too bad they don’t have a chest freezer the size of say a small dog crate… Anyway.

After that mom took kids and I to PetCoSmart one of the pet something stores, I think this was “co”.
She had to get food and toys and treats for her lapdog. I priced items for leading labia lad or lass. OMG Ya’ll. The storage thing I want to get for doggie’s food is awesome and even though it is nearly 50 bucks it is a uber good choice. The one thing that just floored me? The cost of a bag of the brand dog food GDB uses whichh I think is Natural Balance? Is? Hella expensive! Well for like 30 lbs it’sI forget like 28 or something but for the huge bags it’s like 60 and that’s a lot of money… If this is the case I will have to see if there is a more fixed income friendly alternative or if my vet or an online shop has it on discount because I want my pup to eat well but I don’t remember food being this much…

Then again it has been an age sense the last time I’ve bought dog food and longer than that sense I had to worry about working it into the budget. I seem to remember that science diet and aims were that much and when I had to budget for that I had a heck of a lot less income and if I get in at the fancy go by your income to figure your rent apartments it should all work out.

Too bad there isn’t something to help with food if you ever find yourself in a bind. I don’t plan on this but it would be sort of neat if there were a food pantry bank sort of thing like there is for people only this would be for dogs and cats. I think pets having a dog or cat is very helpful to everybody and just because you might fall on hard times shouldn’t mean you shouldn’t have a pet friend. So a food bank for pets would be sort of neat. IDK. Oh might get Skye and Benji their own fishes when I get back. We saw some at the petstore. What I want to get at some point is maybe a kitty or at least some pet mice/rats/hampsters. I will maybe do this after I get a job or we could just volunteer to be a puppy raising family for whatever local service dog org. is around. It is naptime...

The Problem with doing a podcast in a non-podcasting world

After much farthing around about how best to capture the training tails as it happens, I mean besides my spelling error riddled pointless blathering on here on the print blog, I’ve elected to do an audio podcast. Okay perhaps “podcast” is far too fancy a word for what I’m doing, a great lot of blathering into my bookport plus in the guys of something with a topic. I’m still going to do my mini documentary, perhaps a grand title for a bunch of random video taking place in the same location as my guide dog training class, but I’ll compile it and edit it when I return back home.

The big problem I’m having with podcasting, besides feeling like a complete tat yobbing down the BPP is the fact my brother has been hulking around with his two boys and A. it has been noisy, and B. I don’t want to listen to him asking me who I’m talking to or why I’m talking to myself or whatever.

We have had a bit of a weather event in case no one has paid mind to the news. Mucho snow, cold temps. Dangerous all around. Which sucks as I seriously need to venture forth and get pull-ups for Benji to say nothing of some food. I mean we’re not starving but I’m out of good stuff… So I can’t start the podcasting thing until everyone goes away, back to work/school and this shan’t happen for several days now. I mean I’m not mad that everyone is home, it is loud but that’s to be expected. It is also weird doing my normal house chores around a big group of folks and I’ll have to clean this damned bathroom more often than the two or three times, granted Monday was sort of half assed, because there are three males using it non-stop now and boys are yucky.

And you think Steven King "has dyareea of the word processer" or What's the Story Morning Glory. or this is what has landed me. Here. or the longest blog post and title in history. Or the early morning blitherings of someone who should be asleep...

Right so here's the story morning glory...


A note to the reader... I started out having this be a message to one of my blog friends from Open Diary, guide dog lists etc on facebook. However once I got started I couldn't stop and I passed the amount of words you are allowed in FB p.m.s a heck of a long time ago. I've been meaning to explain this bit in my blog anyway and rather than tell the story for the umpteenth oo Mr. Macky sais umpteenth is spelled right but Mackey is not. Huh? well anyway...

So I'm just going to copy all the gobs and gobs of text I have in the message box and transfer it to my blog so I can just tell folks to go read this thing in my blog. I don't mind telling it and I am planning to expand on some aspects of it but. For anyone who wants my back story for what it is worth. Go read it on the blog for yourself. smile.

On the 18 March at butt ass early a large number of armed FBI, local PD, U.S. marshels and customs Came into our house, yelling about a search warrent and more or less being loud. They didnt bust in with guns drawn, I don't think and they didn't, despite what some neighbor in the news paper said, kick the door in.

Anyway Scary scary stuff. Just thinking about it sends chills through me. Long and short of it is. They had reason to believe Larry had been producing having and trading child porn... They cought some guy in Aussi, down under, and he turnned over his contacts list and they tracked the ip first to the U.S., then to our service provider, then... To us. September first of last year somebody at yahoo on flicker saw some pix on Larry's account I guess. that weren't good. and they put a track on his our internet, his ip or whatever.

Well. If that wern't bad enough the pictures date back, as far as they can tell, to September of 08. The month my Benji was born. God... But wait! There's more! Act now! Larry. Was. using. Skye and Benji. In his nastyness. It's something I try not to think about. A two year and a new born? WTF! I just can't wrap my mind around it. I seen some of the pictures of Skye and Benji. There's this stupid befrigged assclown of a website that he posted to that *STILL* has the pictures up for whoever to see.

I'm ringing my aftercare caseworker Monday to see if maybe she can't do something or better yet tell me what I can do to get this horror off the net. I know they say once stuff is up on the net it's up there forever. Really? It sure would be nice if I could recover the countless number of pix, I've lost over the years. Well anyway...

They took everyone's cell phone and all the computers. Save for oddly enough mine.

They didn't take my iPhone. They didn't take my MacBook. They didn't take my T drive. They didn't take my video camera. I let look through all the pictures on my iPhone and told them those were all the ones on my computer. I told them I didn't let anybody touch my equipment as it is pretty much my main link to the outside world and means of communication. Larry must of made it clear that I a. had no clue what so ever about his actions and b. nobody other than me has ever touched my equipment. I had nothing to hide and was straight up with them.

My friend Shane said they didn't take my stuff because I was so straight with them and it was clear I had nothing to do with it.

I'm so thankful that I did have my stuff because I couldn't of fought the fight I needed for my kids without the iPhone and laptop. It sounds dramatic and dumb but it is what it is.

So here's my bit in all this. The house was horrid. I had got so depressed and numb by that point that I couldn't function well I could take care of my kids but the house had got quite away from me.

No one helped me keep the place up. They did some but it is like trying to clean up after a dog race with a tiny little poop bag.

The girls didn't listen to my rules and Larry didn't back me on having them. They ate all over the house, just threw their trash down, left food all up in the house. And while I tried to keep up best I could there always seemed to be heaps and heaps more, things I missed and all.

The basement was just aweful Larry had the basement and it was downright dangerous. It looked like a hell house that you would see on hoarders only about a thousand times worse. He didn't let the kids or I down and even if he did I would let them down there as it was just a big hot mess.

I told the cops, the SRS, that I tried, I really did, but I couldn't manage and nobody was helping enough to make a dent. It was some small comfort to know that when we went back in the house with the cops and the SRS they both admitted that it was clear I had been trying the best I could.

The house on it's own was enough for the state to yank Skye and Benji. I knew that and that was what I was always telling everyone. The state will take the kids if they saw. x,y,z...

Larry would not let me get any outside help. He disregarded suggestions from family about agencies that would be able to help me learn to manage everything. My main focus was on the kids. But with a house like that y'aknow. I claim it I am a crap house keeper. I can be a great house keeper but I had treaded water so long to try and do my best that I just drowned.

Well. There was the sex abuse and if the house had been perfect the state would of yanked the kids, as they should. I believe the state did the right thing by getting my kids up and out. I used the time they were in out of family foster care to get straight and figure out what we did next.

A few days after they went from protective custody from the cops and into their foster home their KVC caseworker called me and said she had to report an alert to the SRS abuse like as the kids had unexplained marks and brooses.

Later on I was told that the SRS suspected that the marks were burns. Burns? No one smoked who lived with us. The one friend who did always took it outside and never left her things down where the kids could get it...

The two or three things aginst me, the horrid house and neglect and sex abuse and all that they finally ruled unsubstanitated.

Larry has now been labled a child abuser, a sex offender, a child mulester is forbiden to be around children.

Thank. God for that.

Well as the kids were in care I hit the ground running even before our first time to go to court, just days after this happened I was already devising ways I could, with support at first mind my kids and give them shelter. I asked that the kids have educational screenings. Larry, well I'll get to that in time I guess. I had worries, especially for Benji. I also requsted that they be brought up to date on any shots and that Skye see a dentest. Which reminds me. I've got to ring gracemed and set up a time for her... Also gotta call their school and set up or find out where we can get a followup edcutional screening as requested...

Both kids were borderline well Skye was. Benji, as I had thought was very far behind in his speach and ability to well talk, which is redundent. Well when this happened I asked if there could be some way to teach him signs. And I started looking into special needs programs here in Wichita. I already knew the place I was going to seak help from first because I knew they helped disabled kids with delays. I knew and had a few friends from school that had received services from there. So they were my first call.

It took a little phone tag and some red tape but by early May I had secured services for Benji. What took for friggen ever is because infant toddler services, the ones who tested Benji took for ever getting their report out.

Additionally another of my first requests, and it might of been the one I said first. I requested that my babies get into counseling. Like yesterday. What they had gone through were going through was hell and I wanted to try and do as much as I could so they wouldn't be too messed up over it all. Skye got a few play therp. sessions before we came down here. I think they helped. God I hope so. Benji of corse was too young to test

After our first time in court and prior to any court orders being given I signed up for and did 24 hours of parenting classes. I set up therp for me up there and down here and know where I need to go if the kids ever do need help. I looked for housing options. right now we are living in my mom's house, my dad passed away in July... I got in touch or tried to and finally have with voc rehab again so I can get services through them. I was able just a few weeks ago to get us help with foodstamps, my aftercare worker has pushed for and received the green light for paying for Skye's preschool and ben's day school for the next year. Benji is receiving services twice a month at school, Rainbows comes in and works with him.

I even have a few options in mind if and when we need help with education, daycare whatever.

My question to SRS every time I met a case plan goal was what else can I do to help you help me and the kids? I even joined a support group for mom's who had their kids in care and it helped a lot.

On May 10th we went back for court to see what we did next. My parents were cleared to be kinship care for Skye and Benji meaning they would have custody sort of. The state holds over all custody for now. The D.A. was willing to accept the SRS ruling that I didn't hurt or abuse my kids. Rare in a lot of cases like this I've been told. Well at court the judged granted KVC, SRS children services contractor to place the kids with my folks and said that I could be there too but needed 100% supervision. I got it. To the black and white law side of things I failed to protect my kids. I needed to earn trust tha I could. So we went with it. My friends all got background clearence so me and the kids could get out and so they could drive us places we needed to go.

I'm in therp now and on meds. I've ditched the sleeping pills I was given in favor of OTC stuff and the anti deprecent helps.

My first real act of reclaiming my life was to ring GDB and make application for a third guide dog, Fleming having retired in August of last year.

I think my dog is going to be the thing that will let me feel confident and whole again and safe and will be the thing, it's not a thing but you know, that will pull us up out of this befrigged black hole Larry put us in.

In September we went back to court. This time it was to see if KVC could get the right to place the kids back with me and that the supervision thing be lifted... When the judge addressed me she said that I should be a postermom for how to do right by your children. Everyone is just impressed to heck and back over how far I've come. I, just didn't see any other option. I did the right thing.

Oh about the whole importance of the guide dog thing. Larry would not take me and the kids out. Last year for example we remained in the house from the day after thanks giving of last year until the second of feb this year. And this was normal. I took the kids on the deck and everything but as far as going out he said it was too much of a bother and I didn't need a third guide dog. He said I couldn't be trusted with the kids alone outside and he never walked the neighborhood. The girls did but they went such crazy paths I couldn't sort it out. Besides that I didn't have any way to get two kids outside and supervise them.

He sapped every last ounce of self-worth I had.

I didn't walk out because he told me he didn't care if I walked but I was never getting custody of the kids, he'd fight me in court. And he'd win. He'd make it look like I was unfit. Also I beleived in our family and that a child needs their mom and dad in the home. I also put his poor treatment of me off to he is just stressed out and everyone gets like that and takes it out on the close ones to them. He isn't abusing the kids, in the way of treating them bad or hitting them. He never ever hit me. Words hurt just as much. He had me thinking I was the crazy one and just you know sucked me out 'til there was nearly nothing.

He didn't restrict hwo I could talk to, I kept in touch with friends and family. I also didn't walk because I didn't want to come slinking back home with my kids to my folks. To me that was fail. No good. I had faith that things would get better and in a way I guess they did and are...

The same day I got my kids back Larry got nearly 22 years in federal prison. He has no visitation with any of his kids...He's manned up finally and is doing what little he can to see that the kids and I are supported. They get SSI checks via his SSDI and that is enough.

I'm not cutting his rights off or making a big hairy deal out it because if his rights went so would the checks. Besides that. What does it matter? He's effectively physically gone. For good.

You know, one thing some people get and others don't quite get is. I am not mad at him and I don't hate him. I hate I can't say how much, the things he did to our kids, I hate that he as so selfish that he didn't care he was at risk of and did losing his family. But I know there to be some good in him. I tell Skye and Benji that their dad did very bad things but he himself isn't a bad person. He's just ill and it makes him dangerous to be around us so he's in a place where he'll get help. It's like timeout for grownups.. The big bad grownup timeout cage. Skye, when you ask her, knows her daddy is in prison, only she says it prisonit and I think she's stopped confusing it with A. the hospital, or b. heaven which is the two places she thinks grandpa is currently.

I've told her and Benji none of this not one part of it is their fault. What was done to them was bad but they are not bad. I won't let anyone badmouth their dad infront of them and will never say anything bad on Larry.

Skye and Benji deserve to and have the right to come to their own ends regarding daddy. I'll tell them as much as I can in the way they can understand it. If, when they are of age, they want to see or write Larry I am behind that. If they want to write him off all together. I'm behind that too. He took away something from the kids he had no right to in that they and only they are to be the ones wo desides with whom they share their bodies. Not him. So to my way of thinking, he gets no rights to see them. I've agreeded to in time once I've healed more to keep at least a thread of contact with him, to tell him what the kids are doing but never detailed details. I do this because I hope in time Larry can answer for himself. I don't wish any harm upon him, but I know there'll be some.

What I wish for Larry is that he can go to a place where they have therp. and treatment program for people with his problems...I hope he gets the help he's needed all these long years and that he can put paid the hell he grew up in. I've learned several things now that explain so much but don't grant innocents. I hope and beleive he can change and learn how to cotrol his inpulses or whatever the hell it is that drives him to do this shit.

I hope that one day his side of things can come out and that he'll be able to take up his life such as it is and just. Live. Just to reach out to others who have been where he has been and help them get help or talk to abuse victims? I don't know. But I believe that from all of this can come a great good. But he's the only one who can make it happen. I beleive in him and that if he is true about wanting to change that he can. He can and hopefully will learn to control his sickness. He's never going to be cured. Never ever. But I send him all my best, lord only know that he's seen me at my worst... So bye bye larry and good luck to you. I've got life to attend to...

People say I was just as much a victim as the kids but in a different way... Maybe I *WAS* but refuse to be now. I'm not letting one bad event in my life define who I am or how my life is going to go. Right now I sometimes feel like I have to explain my back story and in time this too will pass.

I'm not going to look back. I'm going to do whatever it is I have to do so me and my kids "normal" is a good but different normal. They aren't victims any more either. This is part of their life but so is having blind parents, brown hor blonde, Skye and Benji respectively, hair or any other thing, sure this has marked us but it is only a small part of the big picture.

Today, thankfully. Skye and Benji show no signs of what they suffered at the hands of their dad, and to some extent me. I should of known. I should of been mentally stronger. I should of done up the house.
But it is what it is and that's all it is...

Skye and Benji have just blosemed now they are getting out into the world and learning and playing with kids their ages. Benji is signing and trying to talk more. The other night I gave him a bite of my soup. He wanted another so he tapped me and when I was looking at him and could see what he was doing he signed "more please." He even said it but it sounded like muh beeeeez. He is trying and he can say the named of some things and can find body parts eye ears like that They both seem to be moving on and that's what I'm doing. Like I said, We are no longer victims. rebuild, renew, recover! We will rise above this.

My plans are this... I'm waiting to get services going with Voc Rehab, they are slow and so I'm not expecting a heck of a lot now... But when I do get things going I want to get o and m training on the bus system here. I want to see everything old and new that will help me care for my kids. Things like a way to measure their medications. Keep track of them outside, currently I have a sighted friend go with me to the park or playground. I have supervised them in public but I've not done anything more than go for walks around the neighborhood... When I get my dog though we are gonna fly, er whatever you do when you ride the bus. Wait mostly, I guess as our transport here is suposed to suck?

Bassicly first things first I need to get my personal things in order. That's the foundation. Hopefully by the time I get back from GDB or soon there after I can start working on the whole job thing.

As I am rebuilding a new life I've desided to tell them all exactly what I want to do. I want to work with helper dogs. I think I could train the dogs that help wheel chair users and such and if I can do that grand. My true wish though is to work for GDB. I don't care what campus but to work there would be...

This may sound stupid but oh well... GDB is my favorite place in all the world. I just love the vibe there everyone is so positive. Oh I know there are things which will suck, or people I won't get on with or whatever, no place is perfect. But the times I was at GDB for training I felt respected and like a member of the human race, not a blind member, just a member. With a dog and with some special for lack of a word ways in doing things. I want to say alternitive but according to Mr. Macky, I name my macbook, that plus probily half the other words in this thing are not spelled correctly....

I'm happy there. I'm doing stuff I enjoy and am good at. I know I'm a good handler and with some training and knowledge maybe I could work in the kennels or in AGS or as an R.A. for the dorms when instructors or whoever aren't able to pull overnights. Not sure what I'd do with Skye and Benji but for now I have to focus on getting the training and knowledge and experence and what ever.
I've also got to prove to my mom something so epic that I wonder if I can do it. I have to prove I'm not a screwup she has said "I'm not gonna bail your ass out of california. If you move there you can't take your kids." Well I call bullshit on that. I get where she is coming from I really do, but I can do this and things like that just assuming it will go crap like everything else i my life does nothing but pull me down.

My other interest is oddly enough television or radio or something like that.

In the past I agreed to try and be a phone drone in a cube farm. It is something I could do, I've had some training in it and am good. But do I just want to get a job that will pay the bills but suck my life out or do I really as scary as it sounds want to try for what I really want? I want to try. May not get there or might end up some place I didn't think on but we are going to be fine. It will be hard and I'll be straight about it. Times this whole befrigged thing just sucks but you get good days for the bad days and I have to have faith that it's going to get better, that our lot in life is going to get better. I gotta do it, I'm the only parent my kids have and they are the spark for all I do and will ever do.

I wouldn't be here though if it wern't for my family. Despite some of their rather bummer qwerks, they have stepped up and taken us in and support us, they've been great and I am lucky to have them. Some days are better than other but sometimes that just how it goes. And my friends. My blog friends and email support group friends this is support for stuff like guide dogs for the blind grads. and my FB friends. I may not know all of them in person but the ones who reached out to me with an encourage word or thought mean a lo to me and then there are those folk who have the rather questionible honor of actually knowing me in person. Some of them I can't see in person because they live too far away but they've all been wonderful and supportive and just. Wow. If it wern't for them I would not be where I am now.

This is going to sound dumb but music also got me through. Ben Folds and Sufjan Stevens mostly with some coldplay and soul coughing and about a zillion other bands.

Oh totally random, silly random brain of mine. The girls. Well I wish I knew better how they are. I keep in touch with them on FB and I share as many pix as I can and messages and I will do what ever I have to to keep them in some contact with Skye and Benji. They miss us and God how I miss them. No matter what they are always going to be my girls.

Second random but not as random as thought number one... uh oh right My silly stupid favorite just for fun wish is to actually meet Mr. Ben Folds. Just to tell him thanks for all the music. The good times nad the bad. He and Ben Folds Five have been a part of the soundtrack, a big part of the soundtrack of my life for years and has seen me through some friggen hard times. And I just want to thank him. Ya know... And no I am not a demented dangerous stocker. I wouldn't do things like shreak and throw underthings at him or try to get some clothes off him or whatever those fans that do that stuff do. Look I admire him a hell of a lot. But really. He's just a guy, like everyone else and it is really weird to my way of thinking to do things like collect thousands of pictures of him off the internet. Googlemap where he lives, send him a ginormous amount of tweets on twitter or P.M.s on FB though I follow him both places, I guess the digital version of all those dead heads. Are they still around? I guess so. There are hoards of Elvis fans that go crazy over elvis and he's been dead, God what. 33 yeare? I was about eight months old in August of 77 so I don't remember...

Anyway, Okay I'll admit, Ben Folds provides many of my ringtones on my iPhone and... I do have a raggedy old torn and stained T shirt Larry got for me the one and ounly time I saw Ben Folds in person.

That was crap! They sold out of Ben Folds ture shirts faster than a teenager texting down the freeway at some ungoddly speed. You would think. Oh we have x number of ticket sales or wher ever we are playing has blah number of people so we should have at least whatever number of shirt plus extras but I guess hossin that stuff all over the place is hard. So I got a Rockin' the Suberbs T which is fitting cuz that was the CD I played over and over and over and over when Larry asked me out. I still regard that as a good time. I'll post about how we met and ll for anyone who wants to know Right now however it is two in the morning and despite it being a long day the kids will still be up way too early of a Sunday and gotta get some rest...

First outting

Thursday - First outing.

November 16 1995 San Rafael, Ca.

For the first few days after getting our dogs, when it came time to let them do their business, all we had to do is open the door that lead from our room directly onto the fenced dog run. Each room had a dog run. If I remember correctly it could of been possible to turn the single dog runs into one huge dog run because I seem to recall the trainers making their way through the runs, passing through each one via a gate.

It was very nice those first few times. Especially in the morning. All I had to do is water Gerard, and then scoot him out into the run. Whilst he was out there tending to his morning toilet I did the same. Fixed my hair, got dressed, even some times grabbing a shower.

I never gave much thought to picking up after my dog having observed my friend picking up after her dog. She went to GDB and if she picked up after her dog, it stood to reason we would as well.

All these years later, I’ve come to learn that while the several guide dog training programs have some things in common, training guide dogs, some of the programs are vastly different, in several shocking WTF sorts of ways. I am so thankful I picked GDB…

I knew somebody who had a dog from back east. Their school, according to them, didn’t teach basics of dog care. They hadn’t a clue how to groom their dog, had never seen a zoomgroom, standard issue at guide dog schools world wide, well. Okay at least the UK Canada and the Us. It’s a common enough tool every guide dog owner should have regardless of did your program issue one. Some schools, I’m sure this has changed by now, didn’t teach picking up the dog’s poop. And judging from some of the guides I’ve seen over the years, doing daily obedience drills with the dogs wasn’t pounded into the heads of students like it is at GDB.

I’m digressing slightly so hang with me…

We were trained that obedience was the foundation our dogs’ training is built on. And it can be the thing to “reboot” the dog if he or she isn’t minding.

I had to do this several times in college with Fleming. I’ll get into all that hot mess soon enough. But right here, say Fleming started to sea pats from strangers whilst guiding. To fix this I reverted to the protacall GDB advises each student to follow directly after coming home with their new guides.

This is 1. Keep the dog on lead or tiedown at all times. They have to earn the privilege of off lead time. 2. drills in obedience so you can establish yourself as the alpha dog of the team. It doesn’t take, or I should say for me it didn’t take much time at all to progress back up to where we were just prior to the bad behaviors starting.

Okay my off road adventure in blitherland is done. Thursday. We were talking about Thursday right? Right.

After dogs and students were ready for the day we went to breakfast and then to the loading lounge where we placed our dinner and supper orders, went over what was to happen that day and Lord only knows what else.

Shortly after oh about nine in the morning we harnessed up our dogs and lined up in the hall to get on the busses to head out to a nice quiet residential neighborhood.

Our goal for the morning was to walk in a straight line and focus on how it felt to be guided by a real live dog. I think we worked on turns as well. We had to of because we had to turn around and go back to where we started from. If we didn’t do turns I’d still be trotting the earth to get back to where I started from. *smile*

I was kind of a lot nervous. I watch d people head off and return with their dogs. It was rather emotional. Some people were teary eyed but in a good way, not in a sad, drink a whole bottle of boons farm screwtop wine you can get for like a buck someplace.

Several students had the trainers take pictures of them on their first outing. I did but lost the pictures in one of my several moves…

Finally, did I happen to say a good part of guide dog school back then was hurry up and wait? it was my turn. My trainer, the trainer who worked the most with Gerard in his training helped me to the starting point and told me to tell my dog forward.
“Gerard, forward.”

I am not sure what I was expecting. As a child, when my vision was much better I’d take our pet dog Maggie Mae on walks around the neighborhood. She was a dingbat, she pulled on the lead and didn’t know any commands. I figured it might be somewhat like that in regards to the pull. I also thought it mint be like being pulled along behind a speedboat.

Turns out it was a bit of both.
At first I was afraid of tripping over, falling into or otherwise being beat up by some element of nature, dirt, trees, cracked up sidewalks…

Gerard didn’t go in a straight line, he kept swerving in and out. I wondered if maybe he nipped around to a pub or something to fortify his nerves prior to our workout.

We reached the end of our sidewalk all too soon. I wanted to keep going but we had to turn round and go back so other people could do their first walk.

My trainer asked me how the walk was. I told her it was really cool! Save for one thing. I asked her why Gerard didn’t walk on a straight line like he was meant to.

She then pointed out something I completely missed but wouldn’t of missed if I had to use my cane. There were trees all along one edge of the walk with head high branches. Gerard. was. guiding me. around the branhes. No more hair styles inspired by tree limbs. I know the all natural look is in I get that but come on, really? Hairdoos via a random tree branch? Too much I’m not a nature girl…



When I realized what this very ever clever dog at my side had done for me. I was speechless. Not my factory default setting. I was on cloud K9 and couldn’t wait to do more walks!

Meet Juno, the invisible guide dog.

Monday, our first full day of class...
I got up, got ready for the day and made my waydown the hall to find the line up for breakfast.

I still couldn't believe I actually had made it without suffering a unplanned stop in some random corn field someplace or any other misshap. Things just kept getting more and more awesome by the moment. The evening before I struck out on my own to find the reading machine. I had some papers I wanted read and so...

I was making my way, caneless, that sucker went into the top of my closet as soon as my feet entered my room, There was a hall that was coming up on my left and from out of that hall came a large dog shaped blob. There were dogs everywhere. Everyone had at least two or three. The instructors, the admisions staff. Just dogs. everywhere. And there were pictures of dogs everywhere. If there were ever any doubts as to did they think highly of dogs here? This pretty much answered it and I really liked that.

I also liked the energy of the place, it was so upbeat and happy. You could really tell that GDB respected everyone from dogs, to students, to employees and beyond. I was already warming up to the place and that normally took me a day or so to do at other places for the blind.

So. There I was walking down the hall, and here was this dog shaped blob. It wasn't running wild, barking or anything. It was just walking. "Dum dee dum dee dum dee doo I'm a dog. I'm walking down this hall yea for me. As it got closer I could make out it was a goldy brown color. Maybe? A golden? I put my hand out so the dog could sniff of it. Lick lick lick... Wag wag wag. Clearly a very friendly dog. I patted the pup and found that. Yes! It was a golden! But who's?

"Hey there, where do you belong? You are a sweetie. I hope I get a dog just like you." Then another golden came lumbering down the hall. This dog was seriously old. the dog's face was totally white. Reminded me of those girls in Japan who made up their faces all in white and entertained men. Not in a bad hookerish sort of way, but in a hostest sort of way.

Two random goldens just showing up? This had to be a good sign... The dogs started walking the other direction I had been going and I saw a large lighted door shaped blur. I heard someone talking inside. Aah maybe they could tell me who these little loves are and where they are meant to be.

"Excuse me? Ummm there are two sweet goldens just, um like you know wandering around out here?"

This nice older lady poked her head out and introduced herself. She was one of the nurses and these two loves were her goldens. It turned out that the younger golden was a litter mate to my friend's golden, the one who started me off on this crazy adventure. For sure a very good sign.

Well back to the breakfast line. We waited until we could go in. We were sat down at the tables, these were to be the tables we'd sit at all the time we were here.

It seemed. Kind of. really. quiet. People were eating I guess or just not chatty or something. I wanted something to drink. I heard drink like sounds around me so tryed to watch for someone going and returning after making drink fixing sounds, to see where the drinks were.

I figured out people were going by this little door. That I gathered was the kitchen but we more than likely were not meant to go in there. I saw a table, sideboard looking thing near the door and figured this must be the place to get the drinks. So I got up and went over and felt around on the sideboard.

One of my trainers asked if I needed something. Not in a "what do you think you are trying to do missy?" sort of way but a nice sort of "can I help you with anything?" way. I explained I was trying to find something to drink. Our trainer said to go sit down and they'd bring me whatever I liked. "Oh no, I can get it. It is no bother, I don't want to put anyone out..." I said. Every other blind place you were meant to fend for yourself to prove you could do it. Being waited on was just. Totally new terratory for me.

"Oh it isn't any trouble. You are here to learn to work with your dog, let us take care of the little things."

Wow. That was awesome. We didn't have to prove anything to anyone. These folks really treated us like paid up members of the human race. Not like poor helpless dumb blind people. The only thing we had to prove was our willingness to bond and work with our dogs. That would not be a problem.

After breakfast we all started to gather in the loading lounge. Everyone was much more chatty.

Somebody from some official department came round and said she was ere to take our dinner and supper orders. Wow! A choice? Dang this was like being at some fancy hotel or something. The choices for both meals were a hot dish, a salad and a cold dish. They respected people's diets, there were meatless options or if there was pork or ham or something there was also another just as yummy porkless choice. Medical diets were handeled too. All the food generally was healthy and safe but things like deserts or whatever I think were changed to something safe.

Then the trainers came in and greeted us for the day. They explained about what we'd do the next few days. This was to be our "Juno" work.

I had read about this in "Emma and I" only over in the UK the pretend guide dog was called Fred or something like that.

I thought that was grand to have a pretend dog to work on so when we got our real dogs we wouldn't totally break them straight out of the box. Er um kennel as it were.

Then we got our leads. Being new leather they were stiff and we were meant to break them in over the coming days. We were shown how to make a long lead and short lead. There were two O ringsattached to the leads via braides. One was just above the end you hooked to the dog collar and the other one was about oh maybe a foot if that from the other end of the lead. To make a short leash you took the clip at the end not connected to a dog and put it on the O ring nearest the dog. Short leads were for things like guide work or for heeling your dog or for any time you didn't want your dog straying too far away. The long lead, where you clipped the dogless end of the lead to the O ring nearer to you was for taking your dog out to releave, for obedience.

The trainers also brought around the training collars. It sounds as if they've changed the type of collars they use now, but back in 1995 and again in 2000 when I trained with Fleming they issued a collar made wholely of small metal links. At each end of these links were O rings. You pulled the chain through one of the O rings. To properly fit it to your dog you held it so it made a print letter "P" shape. You faced your dog and slipped his or her head through the circle part of the "P" with the longer bit of chain coming down on your left side, the dog's right. The ring at the end of this hanging down bit of chain was called the live ring. This is where you connected the lead. The ring that the chain slipped through was called the dead ring. Live as that was the ring that moved and did all the collar action, I'm guessing and dead because that ring didn't do anything much of use.

We put the collar around our leg to feel what a leash correction felt like. To do a leash correction you hold the leash in your right hand and give a quick firm yank on the leash. This causes the collar to tighten on the dog's neck and is like grabbing someone by the shirt front to get their attention. Despite what the public thinks, *This is not abuseive if done correctly and does not hurt the dog*.

We went over the obedience commands. They were "Sit" where the dog sits on his bottem at your left side. Down where the dog lays down on the floor. Heel where the dog walks at your left side without walking out in front or pulling on the lead and Come which is used to recall the dog. You say the dog's name just before giving these commands. "Juno come" or "Juno sit"

Then we met the physical incarnation of Juno. Juno was a rolled up dog flees with a training collar attached. It wasn't anything fancy at all. The trainer held the flees and you attached your lead to the live ring and gave Juno commands. If Juno did not listen you gave Juno a leash correction. Sometimes Juno would get distracted or sniff and you'd again give a leash correction.

A lot of people felt funny talking to a rolled up flees. I didn't. I mean this was guide dog school, everyone on campus knew this and I guessed everyone also knew about Juno, students talking to dogs who weren't there and whatever else we were going to do. Besides that we only had two full days and then a half day of dealing with Juno so who cared if we looked like fools talking to a rug or an empty harness or to a trainer as if he or she were a dog. They didn't mind so why should we. I also figured that this was one step closer to my dog and that chatting up a rug or an empty harness was no more stupid looking than going around with a stick. At least with Juno if someone not connected to the guide dog school saw you, they'd also see you with the trainer and to my way of thinking it was better to be thought of as crazy if there were another person that could be thought crazy right there along side you as aposed to just looking like a complete and utter fool on one's own.

As the trainers went around the room taking people into the hall to do their juno work the rest of us sat around working our leads out of the stiffness and chatting to one another.

I talked to an older lady in her 70s or maybe she was older. She was the oldest member of our class. She was very sweet She had to leave us early because of a health problem but they took her dog to her and finished her training at her home.

Finally my turn came. Juno was pretty good for the most part. The obedience steps were like this.
Juno sit"
"Juno down"
"Juno sit"
Juno down"
"Juno sit"
Juno down"
"Then you converted from the short lead you'd been using into a long lead.
"Juno stay" I think I neglected to say that one up above. Stay sounds like what it means. Juno stays sitting or on a down until you tell him/her otherwise.
"Juno stay"
"Juno heel"
"juno stay"
Juno come"
and then you ended the session by telling Juno "Alright!" and playing with him/her.

This, as I remember, took up a majority of the morning. Then there was lunch. And then? I think we either got introduced to the harnesses, not the ones we'd get on Wednesday, but old harnesses and went over guide work commands.

"Forward" to tell the dog to start walking forward. You also make a sweeping gesture with your right hand from back to forward, the direction you and your dog will set out in.

"Left" to tell the dog to go left. This has some body and foot work. After Gerard and I were together for a while, and the same with Fleming we did mainly moving turns so the body hand and foot work required for the turns is a bit rusty. I think it goes like this... For a left turn you turn and face the side of your dog. So you are standing and the dog is standing in front of you. You say "Juno left" and make the same sort of gesture with your right hand as "forward" but this is across the dog's line of vision in the new direction you want to go.

"Right" I found the gestures and body work for this one to be smoother. You stopped like for a "left" only you brought your right leg and foot back and gestured to the right, stepping back and sort of piviting on your left foot to let the dog move into the proper spot.

"Halt" no foot or body work or gestures, you just tell the dog to halt. It means stop walking.

"Hopup" This word has three meanings and you use it depending on what your dog is or is not doing.
Meaning one, quit screwing around and get back to work. Used if the dog seems slightly distracted.
Meaning two please take me closer to whatever has you halted. This is used, for example, if the dog stopps because there is something like a car parked across a sidewalk or some other obstruction partly blocking the path.
The third meaning means come on and pick up the pace.

Then later on in the afternoon we all went outside onto the grounds and did some harness wguide work with the instructors.

All of us had done a "Juno walk" as part of our application home interview. The interviewer, a guide dog instructor who worked with graduates in the field and did home interviews conducted the walk.

The first part of the walk you, the prospective student did a route that you picked. It had to have street crossings and be a sample of the sort of routes you were planning to do with your guide dog. Half of it, the first part you did with your white cane.

This showed the instructor that you had good o and m skills and could get out on your own with some degree of confidence, that you could plan and do a route and that you could focus on getting from point A to point B. They also could observe your walking speed and gate and see if you had any odd habbits in your walking.

The second part of the walk, the way back you got to use the harness. The instructor showed you how to hold the handle and some of the foot and hand work. The instructor pulled the harness along, walking out about a half step or so in front just like the future dog would do. This gave the instructor a fair idea of what pace, how fast the dog and you can walk and pull, how firmly the dog would pull in harness as well as giving them a good idea of how well you could do the hand and foot gestures.

The instructors took us out one at a time and we told them what sort of pace we liked. I think too, we went to the down town lounge in down town San Rafael to check out where the majority of our days would be spent.

The next day was pretty much like the first. We did obedience with Juno and then we went to the lounge and did harness work. This was the first time I really walked out in public with a guide dog harness. Oh sure there was the interview Juno walk but this... This was as close to the real thing as you could get without getting your dog.

I remember feeling sort of not ashamed of being blind. Following a harness, despite it's utter lacking of a real live dog was already light years better than walking around with a stick. I thought it was funny when we'd be going along and the harness would jerk left or right. This was Juno sniffing or acting up. This required me to tell Juno to hop up. As it turned out the instructors did a damn fine job of acting like a real dog.

That evening we had one on one meetings with the instructors so they could finialize the dogs they had in mind for all of us.

"So tell us about what you do, work? School?"
"Well I'm going to start college next fall. I was meant to go this fall but wasn't about to start, then stop to come out here. I want to give me and my dog a chance to really click before I try that scary huge campus. I also like walking around our block and going shopping." I related how shopping was slightly stressful as there would be times I'd get lost from my party and feel nervous that I couldn't find them or find any way that would lead me someplace useful.

"What trates do you want in your dog?"
"Well? I want a dog that can get on well with all sorts of folks, and kids and everybody because I don't know who I'd be running into in life, better we get an all around good people dog. Also I want a dog who likes to do their job but can also be fun. I want a dog that is snuggley and likes to give kisses and stuff. I want a dog that goes not too fast and not too slow but will be mindful of steps or broken sidewalks or whatever and I don't want a dog that will pull my arm off but not go so slow that I can't read the harness. And I want a dog that isn't hard headed. One hard headed member in our team is enough."

"Do you have any gender or breed prefrences?"
"I'll take what ever dog y'all think is best but if I could have my magic wish I'd want a golden retriever..." I went on to tell them about the golden retriever of theirs I had met and fallen in love with... "...I'd like a girl but will take a boy. I've only ever known girl dogs and I'm a girl so don't know beans about boys or their personal needs but I can learn."

After my meeting I retired to my room and picked out my outfit for the next day. It was important to look as nice as I could. I picked out my favorite royal blue silk shirt and faided bluejeans overalls and my blue stone ear rings. Thinking back on it I fear my dress sense was frightful but I loved the color blue and loved those clothes and ear rings. I then gathered up my toiletries and went to the nurses' office to have a nice bath.

Then I went back to my room and tried to sleep. But couldn't as it felt like Christmas Eve night did when I was a kid... I remember having a dream that I was in this big green field with lots of black and yellow labs and goldens running around. They were crazy, having fun playing. One golden saw me and came over. The dog calmed down and would not leave my side. At around five or so I gave up on sleep and listened to my walkman. The next day I would meet my dog.

The Flight and setteling in.

The first flight, between Wichita and Denver must of been more or less uneventful as I have no clear memories of anything of note that happened.

The "holy crap this is how to kiss your ass goodbye if the aircraft malfunctions or is highjacked" talk at the start did not make me feel good.

The thing that cracked me up was the bit about how, if incase of a water landing, the seat could be used as a floatation device. What? Okay, I was really bad at learning the states and how to find things on or use a map... But... As far as I remembered, there were no large bodies of water anywhere at all between Wichita and Denver.

Besides that, if I ever did crashland in some huge body of water, the sea let's say. My seat doesn't seem like much of a comfort. There I'd be clinging to a seat full of other people's farts, and I'd look like a snacky snack to any passing sharks. Shark: "Oh look yummy human on a cruton." Chomp chomp Me: Aaaaah! glub glub glub..."

The thing that worried me was all that vast land that wouldn't be very forgiving if an aircraft plowed into it at a high rate of speed.

Thankfully everything went off without a hitch and I landed in Denver without a scratch.


I had brought my stick. For only two reasons. 1. I didn't know how the guide dogs people or the ground help that was meant to help me make my connecting flight would know who I was otherwise. Oh I guess my walking really slowly squinting at everything and looking dazed and confused might of tipped of the guide dogs people. The ground help would most likely figure I had one too many of those little bottles of liqure. Or maybe too much preflight parties or maybe they wouldn't give a tinker's damn.

The second reason I brought it was to wack any odd people who might be in a cult that worshiped something really strange like rooster toenails, Father jimmy joe bob roy. or something like the People's Temple. They had good intentions, but that Jim Jones fella was just way mental. I wonder if the term "Jonesin'" has anything to do with Jim Jones? Well anyway I planned on using the stick to wack anyone who wanted me to have a smudgy tract about finding "Thee One True Way!" or anyone else that stood between me and my getting to guide dog school.

The ground help, some man who had an accent came up bringing a fold up wheel chair with him.

"I don't need that sir." I said, pointing at the chair.

"It is a rule you have to use it." He said.
"Well, I don't need it. If we have to use it, here you can put my bag into it."

We ended up not using the chair.

I made it onto the second and longer flight of my trip. I felt a little better because I knew the next stop, hopefully, would be the San Francisco airport... And then it was all four on the floor, no more flying for the next four weeks.

I don't know why I did, still do this. I guess to scare myself half to death or get a head's up on impending doom, but I listened to the ATC traffic for a while. Then I fell asleep. Bad move on my part.
My hair was braded and put up in a bun. It stuck out off the back of my head a bit. It was not comfortable to sleep on and I got a crick in my neck.

Finally hours later, which turned out to be hours earlier, damn time zones. We landed.
I must of floated off that ramp thing. Partly from excitement and partly from all the butterflies in my stomach.

"O god we're here. O God o God o God... Please let my stuff made it with me. Please let these guide dog people be nice. Please let my classmates be nice and not in a gang or be totally demented... Some blinks I knew were like that... Demented, not in a gang. A street gang made up of blinks? Wow. That would be a sight to see. Er ummm... my mind wanders into some pretty strange terratory when I'm nervous, as I was then.

Where is the guide dogs person? O my God. They left me and have gone to the school.

I felt like huddling into a ball under the baggage check shaking and sobbing until, having noticed they were one student short, the guide dogs would of sent someone to get me...

But this never became an issue as the guide dogs person, one of my trainers was right there when I got off the aircraft.

She introduced herself and I followed her to baggage claim. My bags both of them showed up. And I started to think this was going to be alright.

The trainer explained that she had to get other students and I was the first to turn up. She took me to the big bus thing and gave me a bag lunch.

Ugh bag lunches from large places are not most of the time, very good. A soggy name this meat sandwich, some wilted former fruit or a bag of stale chips and some discount soda I expected...

I was right. It was a sandwich. But it wasn't soggy or dripping with mayo or mustard or anything and turned out to be really good. There were some chips. Cheetos? Maybe? They were good. I knew I had come to the right place when I unearthed my soda to find it was Coke Classic. Yessssssss!

The bus was huge. It was about the size of the para-transit vans back home. There were side facing seats at the front behind the driver, like on a city bus, and then several rows of forward facing seats. In the back off to one side was. Gasp! a johnny on the spot thing. "Oh no!" Dunt dunt dunn!

The bag lunch was good but I knew, having heard horror stories from people that portable toilets were gross and stinky and just all around bad news.

Me being the nosey parker that I am figured I'd go have a look at this porthole to oder hell. I carefully opened the door, in the hopes I wouldn't unleash horrid smelling toilet breath out all over everything. Mentally my mind added the sound of a squeaking door hendge as spookey music started up...

Creeeeeeeeeeeeak.

but. to my happy shock, there was no oosing slopy port-a-john beltching up heaps of nasty evil toilet breath. In fact. There wasn't much of a smell at all It even looked like it had been cleaned recently. I was happy and knew if I ever did have to use that toilet, It wouldn't be so bad.

The seats. Let me tell you about these seats. They weren't the crap molded plastic seats you get on a city bus. They were fancy fancy, all cushey and everything. And if I remember correctly, they had seatbelts. Not too bad. Not bad at all.

I sat back down to wait on... Whatever happened next.

What happened next was some guard came to stick his head in the bus to tell me the bus had to be moved.

Damn! I thought. This guy must be blind his own self or something... The bus had in huge letters on the side "Guide Dogs for the Blind" on it. I could even read that. Sure there were no guide dogs in evedence but I was part of "the blind".

I told the guy that I was sure someone who could drive the bus would be along... Soon... He then went away.

I was right. Shortly after the guard or whoever he was came along I heard the snick scratch snick of a cane and people talking. Oh goody! A student! please be nice, please be nice, please be nice...

It was a lady. She sat across from me in the other sideways seat and introduced herself.

Turns out she had had a guide dog from another school who didn't work out at all. She said when it was good it was very very good and when it was bad it was bad bad bad.

Oh. I thought, I'm glad I didn't go to where ever this lady had gone. Out of the hand full of guide dogs I had met over the past few years, the GDB dogs were the best acting out of all of them. That's not to say the other schools' dogs were like Cujo or something, they were good. But there was just something about the GDB dogs that set them apart.

Over the next couple of hours other students joined us on the bus. Some of them were coming for a second dog but had not been to GDB before. Some had been but wanted to be in the four week non-retrain longer class. A few, like me were first timers all around and everybody seemed to be nice and not in a gang nor demented as far as I could tell.

This isn't to say we didn't run into some demented folks while we were on class, we did... Starting with Mr. Clueless guard person. But none of us were demented.

Mr. Clueless guard came back several times telling us that the bus had to be moved. We kept telling him we could not drive the bus and didn't know exactly where the people who could were at the moment or when they'd be back.

I finally got fed up with Mr. Clueless and on his forth or fifth trip by I said, "Sir? I don't mean to be rude but you've come by here several times. We've told you several times we can't drive the bus. Oh we could if we had the keys or hotwired it or something, but trust me. You don't want to go there. Really. We'd wind up knocking over the whole airport or something. See the sign on the side of this bus? If you can't make it out I'll tell you what it says. "Guide Dogs for the Blind." We..." I gestured to everyone sitting in the bus. "Are the blind part of this whole thing. So trust me. We will be sure and tellwhoever it is that drives this thing that it needs to be moved." I tried to be nice about it but he must of took it wrong as he walked away sounding cross. Oh well...

Finally some instructors or welcome staff or somebody from the school came and stayed with us. Thank God! As Mr. Clueless came back yet again. I sware he must of had a thing for this bus. I didn't understand what the big old problem was. We weren't bothering or blocking up anything... When I did tell the trainer/welcome person this guy had been by several times she said not to worry about it.

When he poked his head in on his most recent visit to our happy and quickly filling up bus I thought Oh good let somebody else deal with this guy.

I don't remember what the trainer slash welcome person said but Mr. Clueless did not return. Yea!

After what seemed like a thousand years everyone was present and accounted for, bags were stashed away and we were on our way baby!

I gopped at the cars, the multi colored hotel buses and giant purple mountans. At least that is what I thought they were. "Hey, what's up with those Mountans?" I asked. I was quickly told those were in fact hills. They were the biggest damn hills I had ever seen...

And then. We drove onto the golden gate bridge.

Wow! That was awesome! It looked just like how it looked on TV only way bigger. It was very very cool.

Finally finally finally we turned into the drive at the school. I heard many many many barking dogs. I got tickled thinking maybe one of those barks belonged to my dog. But I thought perhaps not. The dogs we'd get were class ready clearly and guide dogs aren't suposed to bark. My Laws how wet behind the ears I was.

We got off the bus and went into something called the loading lounge. That was a very very odd room. It had these really long booth kinda bench seats all around the edges of the room, stopping every so often to make way for the doors outside and the hall. We were to get to know this roomlet quite well over the time we were in class.

After a bit, after everyone had introduced themselves, we were shown to our rooms. My room 6A was directly round the corner of the loading lounge, first door on the right, straight, or nearly so, from the trainer's office. Ah hah, I'm the youngest one here. I bet they put me here so they could keep an eye on me. Or maybe it was just the luck of the draw.

A nice lady showed me around my room. The closet, the built into the wall dresser thing, the phone, the shelf with a light under it and a clock and talking book slash radio thing bolted to the top. What? Did they think we were going to take things? We found the bed, then the spot where the dog would be sleeping. The dog run. And the sinks, the people sink and the doggie floor sink. It all was very cool.My roommate wasn't hostile or a gang member o r demented. She was an instructor in training doing her 10 days under blindfold.

After a bit, when everyone unpacked and decompressed we met in the loading lounge again. We had the welcome to class lecture. I laughed to myself when they said no having sex while on class. Why does every blinky place have this rule? They must of heard about what goes on at yearly conventions of the blind. Or something. I laughed because I had been told there was a bloody lot of walking about and long days. Oh how little I knew how right that was to be. By the end of the first week I thought that no sex rule was rather useless as most people after going through a training day would be too clapped out to be in the mood for anything more rousing than say, falling into bed, sleeping through lectures or staggering about the releif circle for the dog's last outting.

After this they explained about the breeds of dogs and how people who wound up with labs would get one kind of grooming tool and if anyone got a golden. Me... Please? There were two that were class ready for our class, they'd get a slightly different one.

Then the bells started toleing time to eat.

I didn't dwell too much on the food but let me tell you this. The food at GDB both times I went was sooooooooooo gooooooooood.

We then had the rest of the evening off and would start class that next morning.

Preamble or how I became a guide dog user

When I was 18 several things happened that changed my young life. For one I graduated with the class of '95 from Wichita High School West. We were, I guess as Wichita public schools go, a small graduating class, 142 walked across the stage at Century II on 30 May, 1995.

I was meant to go, had actually signed up for classes at Wichita State University in the fall, but as it turned out, I followed my heart and hard head and went to guide dog school instead.

I had been thinking about getting a guide dog for about two years. I figured sighted teenagers get cars, why not a blind teenager getting a guide dog? Independence is independence? Right? Right.
But, I wasn't mean at heart and knew subjecting a guide dog to the zoo that was public high school verged on mean, possibly abusive, for sure not putting the wellbeing of any dog that might guide me around first.

I first heard about guide dogs, I mean really heard about them, I had always just known that some blind people use the stick er um cane and others use dogs. Well. I was listening to a talking book that told all about these things about blindness. It had an entry for guide dog. When I heard the description floating up out of the tape player I was hooked.

I hated, still hate the stick. It was so. not cool. It made me look blind. And it just sucked. I didn't like going out with it. Even today as I wait for training with my third guide dog I hate going out with the blasted thing. It still is not cool and makes me look blind. To say nothing of it always getting stuck in cracks and jabbing me half to death. Gah!

Oh, there was a time that I thought the cane was cool. When I was 12 and at the extended school year program at the state school for the blind in Kansas City I thought canes were cool.

I had a nasty habbit of falling down steps, thinking they were flat ground. Or thinking shadows on the ground were dangerous pits, holes that I could trip on or fall into. When I came in from outside it took an age for my remaining useful eye to adjust to the change in lighting and I was for all intent and purposes completely blind. Same thing at night. I couldn't see my hand in front of my face, never mind trying to walk anyplace on my own hook.

I noticed that some students at KSSB, some who saw a lot better than I did, used canes. They did not fall down steps, trip over things, fear shadows or walking at night or in dimly lighted places.

I made up my mind. I had to have one of those canes. As all who know me well can tell you, once my mind is made up it is made up come hell or high water and if I want something enough I'll do whatever it takes to get it. Damn the challenges come what may.

I went to the travel instructor, having noticed a whole mess of white canes in a box in her office. I asked about getting one of those canes and how to use it. I told her more or less what I've said here. Blind in one eye and can't see out of the other... She gave me a cane to take to the dorm, not the one I'd end up with, just a test drive one to see what I thought. She said she'd see me that next afternoon for a lesson and to be fitted for the cane.

Oh! Happy day! No more bashing into things, falling down curbs, or up curbs for that matter, no more thinking shadows were waiting to swallow me whole. Yes yes yes!

That lasted exactly about four hours... That evening my folks called me. I was excited and told my dad. He... Said I didn't need a cane and would be taking one away from someone who needed it really and truly.

I thought about the huge heap of canes in the travel teacher's office and figured canes must come from someplace... If they needed more, I reasoned, they could just call the white cane factory or where ever the canes came from and just get more. It was the Kansas state school for the blind. Right? I did not tell my dad this.
I did however start to feel self-conscious...

I went for my lesson that next afternoon but found myself feeling like an elephant in a small room.

That next year I started to get travel training at school in Wichita. There was that damn cane again. And a teacher, several actually, who wanted me to use it. In public in front of God and everybody no less. Um erm? No.

I did all I could to not have to go to my weekly travel classes. Stayed home from school, forgot the cane, anything I could think of.

Travel classes filled me with fear and still make me uncomfortable. Going someplace strange alone for the first time? Yeah. I don't think so.

As time went on and I got to be a teenager my dislike for "that stick" grew and grew. I remember one day when I was in eighth grade that my V.I. teacher and travel instructor said I had to use the cane at home when I went out with my family. I had a huge non-folding cane with a huge ginormous marshmellow tip. A marshmellow tip is a huge blocky largeish marshmellow looking cane tip that's suposed to do something? muffle the shock of the cane getting stuck in cracks? I don't know. To my way of thinking it was the cherry on the look at me I'm a complete and utter looser cake.

My folks and grandparents Kennedy were going out to eat. Well so did I nad my brother and sister... I remember wanting to take the cane along just so my teachers at school would shut up about it and get off my back. But I was told "You don't need that cane, you have us."
This was my parents. There was no outranking them. So no cane.

It has only been very recently that my mom has encouraged me to bring my cane or, I'm guessing in future my new guide dog. This is a welcome change. If it had been like that when I was younger, I wonder if my life would of turned out different?

In the summer of 1994 I attended the college prep program at the rehab center for the blind, now closed, located in Topeka.

There were all kinds of things, braille, travel, that I didn't like. There were things, cooking and computers and my english 101 class at Washburn that I did like.

One thing that made the braille class more livible was the fact my instructor had a very very sweet yellow lab female. I was taken with the dog straight away and the instructor would let me stroke her dog at the end of the lessons. I asked a few questions about the dog, mostly though, just getting to pat her at the end of class was enough.

I started picturing my grown up adult self with some unnamed guide dog of my own. At that time I didn't have much of a clue as to where you got them or anything about them. I just figured dogs must be better than canes to get around with.

There was another instructor who ran several other classes and had a yellow lab male. She too answered my questions and allowed me to pet her dog. I knew to ask even without being told. It just made sense to me. I regarded people's guide dogs as an extention of themselves. I know I wouldn't like it if random people came up and started patting me without asking or warning so I figured others must feel like this as well.
Still, I think then the seeds of, madness were planted. I didn't give guide dogs much of a thought again until oh that next year, the summer straight after graduation...

I was back at the rehab center. There were the instructors too with labbies, male and female and then. To my joy a student. Who had a golden retriever female.

This new breed of guide dog was so, if you'll excuse the word choice, fetching. I had never seen a golden retriever. She was the most pretty dog I had ever lay eyes or hands to.

My student friend was also one of the kindest, sweeetest people I had ever met. I still remember fondly and have considered asking GDB, this is where her dog was from, GDB, Guide Dogs for the Blind, if they could put us in touch again.

I loved having a real live guide dog right there at the dorm. Unlike the instructors' dogs who I saw in "working" mode. I got to observe a guide dog team right around the clock.

My friend was awesome and not only explained about what went into caring for a dog, she even let me watch and sometimes help out. Never the feeding. I got to watch that but she was the only one who was allowed to feed or water her dog.

She also said having a dog ment getting up early or going out into the rain to take the dog out to do her business.

She told me about the school, GDB, she had received all her dogs from. That place sounded magical. I pictured blue sky day in and day out, palm trees, hippy-ish sort of out there laid back people. It sounded like the place for me. And, unlike the school in Kansas I had been looking into, everything was free. The trip out and back, the dog, the training, and, this was the thing to push me over the edge... They helped with medical expensis, leaving me to provide the dog food, grooming and other not hugely expensive things I knew I could cover.

No? Actually, what sealed the deal was when my friend let me "test drive" her dog. I was simply gobbsmacked at this dog leading me around things. Unlike the stick that was noisy and clattered at every step, the dog was more or less quiet. Oh that was that. To hell with college. I was getting one of those dogs.

I called Guide Dogs for the Blind on 31 July, received the information slash application packet on 2 August which I thought was a good sign as that was my sister Katie's birthday. I filled in and returned the massive amounts of forms and references required by the 15th of August. Had a home interview on 18 September...

I was sure that even after all this, I'd not be allowed to train with a dog at what sounded like the coolest school on the planet. I kept watching the post and kept not seeing anything with the GDB logo, back then a GSD in profile and shadow, on any of the letters.

On Friday, 6 October all that changed. I went to browse the post. Among the bills and letters and junk mail there was a big yellow packet with the GDB logo on it.

O my God! They wrote me back! Oh I didn't get accepted. But wait. It felt like a bunch of papers and a few tapes. Surely they wouldn't of sent such a huge package to say "no", they didn't seem like the sort of outfit to rub someone's nose in bad news. Still...

I ran into the house and tore into my packet. Tapes, and heaps of papers poored out onto the table. My mom asked what I had got and I said something from the Guide Dogs! A lot of something. My mom said she'd look at it and see what the papers said. She read out the cover letter.

I made it. They were inviting me to class in November. Wow. Me a guide dog user. Wow. Wow. woweee wow! Then something in the letter I didn't like. I had to go out to train for four weeks, which was awesome, and would be going to San Francisco. Way way beyond awesome. However the dates I was required to be away were 12 November through 9 December.

What! Were these people smoking pot! That was like over Thanks Giving! They can't do that. Everything is shut then. People have to be with their family. Really?

To say nothing of how the class also ran right on over the dates of my annaversery with my high school sweetheart and his birthday. Gah! I thought about calling them and saying I couldn't do those dates. And then I thought, there will be other Thanks Givings, and other annaverseries, as it turned out my boyfriend and I split up several months after I returned with my guide dog. I thought waiting all this time was hard. Here was a class date and everything so I best grab it when I could.

Oh wow me. class. next month. Aah! My travel packet came in on the 23rd. I remember my boyfriend reading over the packet and he made like they had written to say sorry, just kidding, you aren't getting a dog. Later that evening we were in a car accident. My first thought wasn't oh I hope my boyfriend is okay. It was. Crap! Now I'll really have to call and say I can't make it as I'll be in hospital, in traction no less. Great.

As it turned out no one was hurt, save for the other guy's car. Our car was dingged up too but the other guy, who Tboned the front driver's side by the tire, was totaled.

Finally the day before class came. I didn't sleep. At all. I worried about all sorts of nonsense. What if they lost my bags? What if I got on the wrong aircraft? What if I got lost and missed my connecting flight? What if the aircraft crashed? What if my classmates were hostile or didn't get on with me? What if my roommate was a gang member? It was California after all.

Finally it was time to go. I said good bye to my mom and my boyfriend drove me to the airport.

We made it through all the airport booyeah, a cakewalk compaired to now a days. Ugh I am not looking forward to any of this security blh blah..

We got to the gate and it hit me all at once. I started to cry. I wanted my mommy. I didn't want to go on this scary ass flight. Or to big as hell San Francisco. I didn't want to go to a 24/7 neverending, for the next 28 days, travel lesson.

My bags had been checked and I was expected to turn up at the other end of two timezones and several states later on down the day.

I got on the aircraft and sniffeled and sobbed to myself whilst listening to Nirvana and looking out the window. Then? Were were off...